Microsoft Windows source code

/*
              TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
              Project: Win95(tm)
*/

#include "stdio.h"
#include "dos.h"
#include "conio.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"

/*
 Reference:
 Internal memo #99281-95 from:
              William H. Gates III
                   to:
              Executive managers Win95(tm)-project

 William H. Gates III wrote:
 "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
 It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
 _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.

              Carry on,
                   Bill
 "
*/

#define INSTALL HARD

void main()
{
    while(!CRASHED)
    {
         display_copyright_message();
         display_bill_rules_message();
         do_nothing_loop();
         if(first_time_installation)
         {
              make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
              do_nothing_loop();
              totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
              search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
              hang_system();
         }
         write_something(anything);
         display_copyright_message();
         do_nothing_loop();
         do_some_stuff();
         if(still_not_crashed)
         {
              display_copyright_message();
              do_nothing_loop();
              basically_run_windows_3.1();
              do_nothing_loop();
              do_nothing_loop();
         }
    }

/*
 Reference:
 Internal memo #99683-95 from:
              Executive managers Win95(tm)-project
                   to:
              William H. Gates III

 Executive managers Win95(tm)-project wrote:
 "Dear Sir,
 Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
 will never execute, we decided NOT to include it in the final code.
 This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!

              Thank you for listening to us,
                   the executive managers of the
                   Chicago(tm)-project
 "
*/
/*
    if(still_not_crashed)
    {
         write_cheer();
         finished();
    }
*/
    {
         create_general_protection_fault();
    }


/*
Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
*/

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include "process.h" /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
         if (there_are_still_bugs)
              market(bugfix);
         if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
              raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
         make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);
         /*
         Standard Call, in
         lie.h
         */
         if (rumours_grow_wilder)
              make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
         if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
         {
              market_time=ripe;
              say("It will be ready in one month);
              order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
              order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
              order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
              vapourware=TRUE;
              break;
         }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
         case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
              say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
              break;
         case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
              say("Yes it will work");
              ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
              pretend(there_is_no_problem);
              break;
         case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
              say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
              inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
              inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                   "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
              inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
              get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
              break;
         case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
              say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
         register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
         when(time_is_ripe)
         {
              arrest(journalist);
              brainwash(journalist);
              when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
              {
                   order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                   release (journalist);
              }
         }
         break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
         introduction_date++; /* Delay */
         if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
              break;
         say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
         bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
         release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
         introduce(more_memory_requirements);
         if (customers_report_installation_problems)
         {
         say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
              if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
              {
                   ignore(customer);
                   order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                        bastard");
         }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
         divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
         wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
         marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
         devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
         if (boobies_start_to_hang)
              dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
         steal(their_ideas);
         accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
         hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
         wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
         buy_out(other_company);
    }
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
{
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
         say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
         ignore(customer);
         register(customer, big_Bill_book);
         /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
}