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Definition of marketing

For years I struggled with explaining to friends and family exactly what the difference is between the various types of marketing. The perfect illustration...

Dating

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
  8. Don't use any punctuation marks.
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
  12. Sing along at the opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
  17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!"
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Daddy's ten rules of dating

  1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
  2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
  3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
  4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
  5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
  6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
  7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
  8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
  9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
  10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

FBI top 12 deaths of the year

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

  1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
  2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
  3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
  4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
  5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
  6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
  7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
  8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
  9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 KGs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.)
  10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
  11. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
  12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Difficult words to say when you are drunk

Impossible words to say when you are drunk

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies

Recently discovered computer viruses

Ever wonder...

I only have SEX on days that begin with T

Sex is...

5 secrets to a fullfilling life for you loverboyz

  1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
  2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
  4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
  5. It is important that these four women never meet...

Five Stages of Drunkenness

Five Stages of Hangovers

Mystery about mistake

Newest Masturbate for Peace Bumper Stickers

85 Rules and instructions on being a MAN

  1. Don't call. EVER.
  2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
  9. Lie.
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everything. Everything.
  21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
  22. Don't have a clue.
  23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  24. No means yes.
  25. Yes means no.
  26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
  27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
  28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
  29. Feelings? What feelings?
  30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
  31. Lie I tell you!!
  32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
  33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
  34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
  35. Lie.
  36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
  37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
  38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
  39. Lie.
  40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
  41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
  43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
  46. Lie.
  47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
  50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
  51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
  52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
  53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
  54. Don't ever notice anything.
  55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
  56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
  57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
  58. Lie.
  59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
  61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
  62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
  63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
  64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
  65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
  66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
  67. Lie.
  68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
  69. 69
  70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
  71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
  72. Lie.
  73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
  74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
  75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
  76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
  77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
  78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
  79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
  80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
  81. Beer. Then more beer.
  82. One word: FOOTBALL!
  83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
  84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
  85. LIE.

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