Jokes » Lists
- "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships" (Sharon Stone)
- "My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading" (Steve Jobs)
- "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps" (Tiger Woods)
- "Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"" (Patricia Arquette)
- "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master" (Rev. Jesse Jackson)
- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" (Jack Nicholson)
- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is" (Barbara Bush)
- "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" (Robin Williams)
- "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time" (Robin Williams)
- "Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" (Roseanne)
- "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" (Billy Crystal)
- "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful" (Robert De Niro)
- "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)
- "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)
- "When the sun comes up, I have morals again" (Elizabeth Taylor)
- "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house" (Rod Stewart)
For years I struggled with explaining to friends and family exactly what the difference is between the various types of marketing. The perfect illustration...
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
- You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
"He's fantastic in bed."
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
- You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
- When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
- When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
- In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
- When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
- When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
- When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
- Now I'm 40 and I am looking for a girl with really big tits.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
- CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
- MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
- PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
- STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
- XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
- CHIPS & SALSA
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)
- SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
(Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
- Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
- Don't use any punctuation marks.
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
- Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
- When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!"
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
- Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
- If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
- You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
- I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
- I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
- It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
- I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
- As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
- The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
- Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
- Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 KGs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.)
- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.
- Thanks, but I don't want sex.
- No, I don't want another drink.
- No kebab for me thank you.
- Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
- Good evening officer.
- I'm not interested in fighting you.
- No one wants to hear me sing.
- Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
- One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
- Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
- It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
- If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- The AL GORE Virus
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
- The CLINTON Virus
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
- The BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
- The LEWINSKY virus
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
- The RONALD REAGAN virus
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
- The MIKE TYSON virus
(Quits after two bytes)
- The JACK KEVORKIAN virus
(Deletes all old files)
- The ELLEN DEGENERES virus
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
- The PROZAC virus
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
- The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus
(Only attacks minor files)
- The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files and leaves, but will be back)
- The LORENA BOBBITT virus
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do a "practice"?
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- Every Thucking day!
- like Nokia (connecting people)
- like Nike (Just do it)
- like Pepsi (ask for more)
- like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
- like me (too good to be true)
- It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
- It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
- It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
- It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
- It is important that these four women never meet...
- Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
- Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
- Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
- Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
- Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.
- Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the neumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add tipple most consumed night before). two-step, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.
- Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over-night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.
- Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a 20/50? note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
- Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
- Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.
- If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
- If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
- If a doctor makes a mistake, It's an operation...
- If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
- If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
- If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
- If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
- If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
- If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...
- If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake...
- If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"
- Rub your snake for peace's sake
- War's for squares, play downstairs
- Touch Your sack, not Iraq
- Stop war now, milk your cow
- When you jerk tonight, keep peace in sight.
- Don't attack - play with Jack
- Get peace fever, rub your beaver!
- My pussy doesn't meow, it roars -- for peace.
- Give your Bush the finger!
- For peace to work, you need to jerk
- War is heinous, thumb your anus
- War is Mean, Flick Your Bean
- War is wrong, whack your schlong.
- I'm going blind for Mankind
- War is silly, whack your willy
- Don't call. EVER.
- If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
- Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
- If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
- Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
- Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
- Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
- Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
- Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
- Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
- If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
- TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
- Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
- One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
- Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
- Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
- Deny everything. Everything.
- If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
- Don't have a clue.
- If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
- No means yes.
- Yes means no.
- If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
- If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
- Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
- Feelings? What feelings?
- Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
- Lie I tell you!!
- DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
- Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
- At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
- "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
- A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
- Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
- Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
- If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
- Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
- Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
- It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
- Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
- Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
- Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
- If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
- You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
- You are male, therefore you are superior.
- Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
- Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
- Don't ever notice anything.
- If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
- Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
- Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
- If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
- Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
- If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
- Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
- Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
- Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
- If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
- Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
- If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
- If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
- Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
- If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
- Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
- If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
- The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
- Default facial expression: blank stare.
- Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
- If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
- Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
- Beer. Then more beer.
- One word: FOOTBALL!
- Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
- Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
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