Jokes » Lists

Twenty Responses to Use When plagued with calls from Telemarketers

  1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
  3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
  5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
  6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
  8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
  9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
  11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
  12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" Hang up.
  13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
  16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
  17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
  18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...
  20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Office Dares

Dares

  1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
  3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise Office Dares your voice).
  4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
  5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Double-dares

  1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
  4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
  5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
  7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
  8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
  9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
  12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
  13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
  18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Symptoms of being over 25

  1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
  2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
  3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
  4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
  5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
  6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
  7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
  8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
  9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
  10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
  11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
  12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
  13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
  14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
  15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
  16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
  17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
  18. You always have enough milk in.
  19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
  20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
  21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
  22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B & Q.
  23. You wish you had a shed.
  24. You have a shed.
  25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day..."
  26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.
  27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
  28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
  29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
  30. If you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in...
  31. You find yourself saying "Is it cold in here or is it just me?"

You know you're an ENGINEER when...

  • The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
  • Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
  • In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
  • The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
  • You are always late to meetings
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
  • You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
  • You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
  • You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • You know what http:// actually stands for
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • You see a good design and still have to change it
  • You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
  • You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
  • You window shop at Radio Shack
  • You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
  • You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is
  • Your checkbook always balances
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car
  • Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
  • Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
  • You've already calculated how much you make per second
  • You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio

The World's best pickup lines

  • I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
  • Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
  • Is your daddy a thief? "No."Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."
  • You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
  • Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
  • Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
  • The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
  • Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
  • That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
  • My name's your name. That's so you know what to scream.
  • My name's your name, but you can call me "lover."
  • Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
  • Can I flirt with you?
  • Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
  • Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?": Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
  • All those curves, and me with no brakes.
  • If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
  • I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
  • Grab his/her tush. Pardon me, is this seat taken?
  • Is it hot in here or is it just you?
  • Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart. Cheese alert!
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
  • How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
  • Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
  • I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
  • So... How am I doin'?
  • How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
  • Tap your thigh You just think this is my leg.
  • Say, that's a nice dress/outfit/article of clothing. Can I talk you out of it?
  • I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
  • I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
  • Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
  • My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
  • (regard their outfit) Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.
  • Hey! Let's get naked!!!
  • Where have you been all of my life?
  • Got any Irish in you? You want some?

More pickup lines

  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
  • Nice legs...what time do they open?
  • You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
  • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
  • I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
  • I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
  • I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
  • Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
  • Are those real?
  • You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
  • I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
  • You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
  • Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  • I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
  • If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
  • Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
  • Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
  • Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
  • I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Blow Job Etiquette

Female Point of View

  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extention to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extention to rule #3 - No, I don't have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extention to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you are, it is NEVER okay to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week" - get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit so, no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
  9. Extention to rule #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked with highschool girls, but if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
  10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me that I have just "wrecked it" for you.
  11. Leaving me alone in bed while you go play video games is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably not best to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we are good at it. (See rule #2 about gratitude.)
  13. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
  14. No, it does not particularly taste good, and I don't care about the protein content.
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
  16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean that I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier, who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful that I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
  6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
  7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in the flavor country.
  8. At least there is no danger of my dick bleeding in your mouth.
  9. Play with the balls.
  10. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
  11. Carress the ass too. We like that.
  12. Complain now about it being "wide awake" in the morning, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it will be "sound asleep".
  13. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Top 25 reasons why guys masturbate

  1. To stop the voices.
  2. Because the director feels it enhances the scene and further develops my character.
  3. Because mom's too tired to give me a handjob.
  4. To scare the person next to me on the plane.
  5. Because that is what Mistress Zarri desires and therefore demands.
  6. It doesn't reach my mouth.
  7. It can add a whole new dimension to making shadow puppets.
  8. If I don't, I have a habit of playing with my shit.
  9. Your mom gets off by watching me.
  10. Unfortunately, so does your dad.
  11. Pimples.
  12. It doesn't cost anything and I usually get a prize.
  13. I've always found gloryholes to be too impersonal.
  14. To make my goldfish jealous. Try it.
  15. To passively protest the Magna Carta.
  16. I look cool in front of the mirror when I'm doing it.
  17. I don't like the taste of postage stamps.
  18. I certainly wouldn't make love to a corpse, that would be demented.
  19. I like to pretend that I'm putting gel in my Barbie's hair.
  20. Regis and Kathie Lee.
  21. It makes my balls laugh.
  22. For the taste.
  23. So I can last longer during those once in a blue moon encounters I'm always having with ape-like girls.
  24. Because I'm too big to fit in the crib.
  25. Nothing better to do.

Fitness Philosophy

  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 6 - She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is.
  • The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
  • I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
  • I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  • I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
  2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  4. Her tits are just too big.
  5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
  6. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
  7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
  8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
  9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

Computers in the movies

Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies.

  • Word processors never display a cursor.
  • You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. A skilled technician will bring such a computer back online in minutes.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per scond.
  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file - and there are no undelete utilities.
  • If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  • Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  • Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. While operating computers under stress, humans NEVER make mistakes.
  • Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
  • Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

Ten things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars

  1. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
  2. The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  3. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  4. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  5. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  7. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  8. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  9. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  10. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

Lincoln vs Kennedy

Here are some interesting facts about the two well-known presidents of the United States of America:

  • Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
  • John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.

  • Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
  • John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

  • The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

  • Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
  • Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
  • Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
  • Both were shot in the head.

  • Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
  • Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

  • Both were assassinated by southerners.
  • Both were succeeded by southerners.
  • Both successors were named Johnson.

  • Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
  • Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

  • John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

  • Both assassins were known by three names.
  • Both names contain fifteen letters.

  • Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
  • Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

  • Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

  • A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
  • A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The Shit List

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.

  • Ghost Shit
    That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

  • Clean Shit
    The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

  • Wet Shit
    The kind where you wipe your but 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with brown stain.

  • Second Wave Shit
    It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

  • Brain-Hemorrhage Through-Your-Nose-Shit or the Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit
    The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

  • Richard Simmons Shit
    The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

  • Corn Shit
    Self-explanatory.

  • Lincoln Log Shit
    The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

  • Drinker's Shit
    That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the treadmarks left on the bottom of the toilet.

  • "Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit
    It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

  • Spinal Tap Shit
    That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

  • Wet Cheeks Shit or the Power Dump
    That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that you butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

  • Liquid Shit
    That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

  • Mexican Food Shit
    A class all its own!!

Top Ten Signs You're An Internet Geek

  1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
  2. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
  3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
  4. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
  5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
  6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
  7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
  8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
  9. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
  10. Two words: "Pizza's here."

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

  1. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.
  2. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.
  3. Ice floating in toilet water.
  4. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
  5. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.
  6. You can never find the leftovers.
  7. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.
  8. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
  9. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".
  10. Your apartment keys no longer work.

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

  1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  6. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  7. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the next morning.
  10. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR

Warning labels that should be on beer

  1. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
  6. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
  8. The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
  9. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  13. The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Cat Wisdom

  • Cats do what they want, when they want.
  • They rarely listen to you.
  • They're totally unpredictable.
  • They whine when they are not happy.
  • When you want to play they want to be alone.
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  • They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  • They're moody.
  • They leave hair everywhere.
  • They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

<< Previous 1 2 3 4 Next >>