Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies.
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
- All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. A skilled technician will bring such a computer back online in minutes.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per scond.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file - and there are no undelete utilities.
- If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
- Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
- Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. While operating computers under stress, humans NEVER make mistakes.
- Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
- Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.
Here are some interesting facts about the two well-known presidents of the United States of America:
- Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
- John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.
- Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
- John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
- The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
- Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
- Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
- Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
- Both were shot in the head.
- Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
- Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
- Both were assassinated by southerners.
- Both were succeeded by southerners.
- Both successors were named Johnson.
- Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
- Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
- John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
- Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
- Both assassins were known by three names.
- Both names contain fifteen letters.
- Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
- Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
- Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
- A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
- A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.
- Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
- Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
- Wet Shit
The kind where you wipe your but 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with brown stain.
- Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.
- Brain-Hemorrhage Through-Your-Nose-Shit or the Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit
The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
- Richard Simmons Shit
The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.
- Corn Shit
Self-explanatory.
- Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.
- Drinker's Shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the treadmarks left on the bottom of the toilet.
- "Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit
It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
- Spinal Tap Shit
That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.
- Wet Cheeks Shit or the Power Dump
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that you butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
- Liquid Shit
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.
- Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own!!
- Cats do what they want, when they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.