Jokes » Unsorted

Three Texas Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."

The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago, he was selected as the president of the United States."

Monks

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

My Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy enough.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian -- until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I retired...and found I am perfect for the job!

Priceless

You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends - $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion - $3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui - $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man. - !!!! Priceless !!!!

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD. You gotta love this guy.

Mother and three daughters

A mother had three daughters, and on their wedding day, she would ask each of them to write home and tell her about their sex lives. The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The letter arrived with only a single message, "Nescafe."

The Mother was confused at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on a newspaper, and it said; "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So,the Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a letter. There was only one message, it read; "Benson & Hedges." So the Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges' ad, and it says; "EXTRA LONG, KING SIZE." The Mother was happy.

After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive.

When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS." The Mother was concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at home for a British Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted.

The ad read:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

Bills

An american, australian and a russian together out there, somewhere. They kept bragging about their capabilities, and suddenly the american noticed three horses approaching. He took a lasso from his belt, and swoosh - he captured all the horses with one throw.

"Pecos Bill", he introduced himself.

The australian saw a pigeon flying high above, and took a boomerang from his belt - swoosh, and the boomerang hit the pigeon straight to the neck - it fell stone-dead down, and the boomerang returned to the aussie's hand.

"Boomerang Bill", he introduced himself.

The russian dropped his pants, and surprise: two penises and three testicles!

"Tsherno Bill", he introduced himself.

Up or Down?

At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'fuck or drown'!"

(Blow)Job

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Indian, 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Indian. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?" At this the massive Indian leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure...", the big Indian replied, "...something about a job."

Bad Boy Ben

Ben rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Ben smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Ben breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and sighs, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Ben stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Ben stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

One wish

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. Please give a confirmation that you will grant my wish." Suddenly the sky darkened and the Lord, in a booming voice said, "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. I think that I can trust that you will not disappoint me. Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?" The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Take a little more time and make another wish, one you think would honor and glorify Me."

After much thought, the man said, "I've been married four times. My wives always said that I was insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I want to know why they cry and how to make them truly happy. That's my wish, Lord."

Then, after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Remember This

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

Frog

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to The first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad oes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!

Paddy gets horny

Paddy's driving his car through the country-side, when he suddenly gets horny. Sack's bulging and he must release!! On seeing a field full of fine looking cows, he stops his car, gets out, climbs the fence and walks towards this particularly nice looking cow. He drops his pants and just when he's about ready, the cow walks away. This happens to him a couple of times and he's getting really frantic when he hears the brakes of a car and when he turns around he sees this gorgeous brunette getting out of the car. Her car has broken down and she pleads for help as she's late for an appointment. She promises the guy she'll do anything as long as he helps her. "Anything?" he asks and she promises: "Anything!" He manages to fix the car for her and when it's all fixed, he asks her again: Anything?" She answers:" Yes, anything!" "Ah well," he says, "you come with me then and hold this cow!"

Hell?

The following is an actual question given on an Arizona State University chemistry final exam:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. "As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one of these religions, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With the birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives us two possibilities:
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.
  2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until HELL FREEZES OVER.

So which is it? "If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Ashley McCastlen during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The Student got the only A.

Jesus and Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Religious story

A new priest at first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass. If I get nervous I take a sip" So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy-o, Laddy-o and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey; don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest a St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Family History

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were in separable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt.", you can correct them.

Family History recorded by: Crock O. Schitt

The duck

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible. The first son went out and sold his duck for $ 5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $ 5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok". They had sex and when they were done she said -"Wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'lldo me again." The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said" I am sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $ 40 dollars to make up for it." When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made. He said: "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."

Ribbit

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away,and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. The dealer spins the wheel and drops the ball. Round and round it goes and then it stops. The dealer calls out six black. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

Tragedy

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, if he knew about the birds and the bees yet.

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age 7 I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

<< Previous 1 2 3 4 Next >>