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The Gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful considerations, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttens, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for this past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remenber to blow in them before putting them away, as they naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year, I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love.

p.s. the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

Whale's Revenge

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then the female whale becomes less cooperative. "Sure", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!

A Voyage to Europe

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school and not of the country was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Clinton and Lewinsky

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Deaf mute parents

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."

"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"

"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mum over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.

"It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

Cyber Sex

At the beginning of the semester this year, my roommate and I got into a discussion about the wildest things we had ever done. My life being rather boring, my roommate did most of the talking. She told me about a terrible experience she had that knocked me halfway off of the bed. And with the sick sense of humor most people have, I thought you would all appreciate this as well. I asked my roommate if I could write it up and she said I could as long as I changed the names around, so I didn't use her name here it is.

An anonymous girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado. Like all college students, she was wrapped up in the partying and the wildness of being away at school. Jen is a computer science major and always has a lot of work to do on the computer. So when she's not out partying, she'll be found on the dorm room floor, working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software.

Having recently broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years that they had been together. Feeling sad, alone, and depressed, she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get on a chat-line. Being the wild psycho that she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line she met a guy named "Jeremy". She started to play with him, gave him a false name of "Katie", and started getting into details about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture herself naked while his hands roamed over every inch of her naked body. Soon they were having cyber sex. This went on for a while, and then she got off line agreeing to meet him on the net the next night.

Saturday night rolls around and Jen, as "Katie" is online with Jeremy again. They became even closer this night, and continued like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about their hopes, feelings, and what they expected out of the future. But Jen didn't tell Jeremy that she was in College because she didn't want him to think that she was immature. She felt guilty but after a few weeks she found she really liked this guy.

Their virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months eventually turned into a year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had yet to have even one telephone conversation. They were afraid it would ruin the mystery. "Katie" and Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net. They were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together.

Finally, the time had come: they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age, or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told "Katie" he thought she could be his NEXT WIFE. Jen was wary at this, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him and he was the only one she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were going to meet at a pretty swank hotel, in that town, because it was a halfway point that both could drive to. And they wouldn't need to worry what they had to do to recognize each other.

Jen showed up at the resort first, checked into the suite, telling the lady at the counter to keep the extra key for the additional party meeting her. She then went up to the room, wanting things to be special she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he finally got there. The lights were out and the mood was right; then she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner.

She whispered, "Jeremy?"
A voice replied "Katie?"
"Yes" she said.

He fumbled for the light, and then turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before his eyes. The very next thing heard around the world was the two most blood curdling screams.

Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said, "DAD??!!"

Think of what you would do in this situation. Now realize this really did happen. Their lives will never be the same.

SeX eDuCaTiOn

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats - they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Voodoo dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

If the Cosmopolitan adviser was a man...

Dear Cosmo: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
Answer: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.


Dear Cosmo: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
Answer: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.


Dear Cosmo: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Answer: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.


Dear Cosmo: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
Answer: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.


Dear Cosmo: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
Answer: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.


Dear Cosmo: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
Answer: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

The English Are Odd

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire. Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road. Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency. His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed. Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

Romance

Who Says Romance Is Dead?

This is an extract from the latest Mills & Boon blockbuster:

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered 'Baaaaaa', then rejoined the flock.

(This book is only for sale, at the moment, in Wales.)

Norwegian man accuses dolphin of attempted rape

OSLO, Aug 17 (Reuters) - A Norwegian man is accusing a dolphin of attempted rape.

Norway's top-selling daily Verdens Gang on Tuesday quoted the 28-year-old as saying that the dolphin apparently mistook him for a female after swimming alongside him in the sea off Farsund, south Norway, earlier this month.

The dolphin's penis got caught between the man's swimming costume and his legs before the man, who declined to give his name, managed to clamber back on board his boat.

"The dolphin shoved me forward two or three metres before I got loose," he said. "At first I thought it was a fin...but dolphins don't have fins on their underbellies."

A friend of the man, a diving instructor who saw the attack, told Verdens Gang that the dolphin "tried it on with me too, but I was wearing protection - a wetsuit."

REUTERS 17.08.1999

Answering Machine at Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

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