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Cat Wisdom


Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

Signs that you are bored at work!

Top 10 Aphorisms

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
  5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  6. There are two types of pedestrian, the quick and the dead.
  7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  10. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

  1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day; tomorrow is not looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
  8. My reality check bounced.
  9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Things guys think girls should know

Say it with words

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents

Things that took me 50 years to learn

Ski Season Tips

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

Girlfriend Catalogue

How to talk and be PC

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN OF THE UK.
  2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
  8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
  9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Kids say...

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

Follow instructions

The following statements are taken from product labels !!!

Differences between bosses and employees

Parachute

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

You Da Man Test




EVALUATING RESULTS:

Because we are MEN

New concise Oxford slang

VIZ Top Tips

Things to do to liven up a lift journey

  1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
  2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
  4. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  5. Miaow occasionally.
  6. Stare at another passenger for a while then announce in horror "You're one of them," and back away slowly.
  7. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
  9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce "I have new socks on."
  11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
  12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
  13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers "This is my personal space."
  14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
  15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  16. Ask if you can push buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
  18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream "That's mine!"
  19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with passengers.
  21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
  22. Call out "Group Hug!" then enforce it!
  23. Drop a massive, loud, ripper of a fart. It doesn't matter how old you get, it's always hilarious!!!

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