Jokes » Lists

Top 10 Aphorisms

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
  5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  6. There are two types of pedestrian, the quick and the dead.
  7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  10. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

  1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day; tomorrow is not looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
  8. My reality check bounced.
  9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Say it with words

  • Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
  • The Lord's prayer: 66 words
  • Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
  • The 10 Commandments: 179 words
  • The Gettysburg address: 286 words
  • The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
  • The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Things guys think girls should know

  • We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
  • No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.
  • We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
  • Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
  • Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
  • We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
  • Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
  • If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
  • If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
  • We never shave our legs. Get over it.
  • NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
  • Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
  • When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
  • We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
  • We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
  • Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong"
  • You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would, be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
  • We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
  • Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.
  • Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say".
  • Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
  • Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
  • Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
  • PMS is not an excuse.
  • If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
  • Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
  • And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach...and maybe...oh nevermind.
  • And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents

  • My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
  • Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
  • Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
  • Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
  • We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
  • Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
  • Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
  • Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
  • There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
  • Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

Things that took me 50 years to learn

  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
  • There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  • People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  • And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  • You should not confuse your career with your life.
  • No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
  • Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  • Never lick a steak knife.
  • Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
  • "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  • You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Ski Season Tips

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

  • Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
  • Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
  • If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
  • Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
  • Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
  • Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  • Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  • Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
  • Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
  • Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  • Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  • Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
  • Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  • Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
  • Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Girlfriend Catalogue

  • OLD YELLER
    "You spineless, good-for-nothing, drag-ass, no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?!"
    Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
    Advantages: Pays attention to you
    Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

  • THE BOSSER
    "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
    Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-It-All, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
    Advantages: Often right
    Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

  • WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL
    "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
    Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
    Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
    Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

  • HUFFY
    "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
    Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
    Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
    Disadvantages: You will have no friends

  • WOMAN FROM MARS
    "I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
    Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
    Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
    Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

  • MS. DREAMGIRL
    "I am utterly content with my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
    Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
    Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
    Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

How to talk and be PC

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN OF THE UK.
  2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
  8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
  9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Kids say...

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

  • The future of "I give" is "I take."
  • The parts of speech are lungs and air.
  • The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
  • A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
  • Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
  • (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
  • A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
  • The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
  • A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
  • We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
  • One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
  • A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
  • One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
  • To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  • The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
  • Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
  • The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
  • Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
  • The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
  • In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
  • Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
  • In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
  • A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Follow instructions

The following statements are taken from product labels!

  • On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
  • On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
  • On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
  • On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
  • On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
  • In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
  • On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
  • In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
  • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
  • On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING??!!
  • On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
  • On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
  • On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
  • On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
  • On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

Differences between bosses and employees

  • When you take a long time, you're slow.
  • When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

  • When you don't do it, you're lazy.
  • When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

  • When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
  • When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

  • When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
  • When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

  • When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
  • When your boss does it, he's being firm.

  • When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
  • When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

  • When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
  • When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

  • When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
  • When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

  • When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
  • When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

  • When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
  • When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

  • When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
  • When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

You Da Man Test

  • In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
    1. Lovemaking
    2. Screwing
    3. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

  • You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    1. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    2. Your blood-test results
    3. Five tequila slammers

  • You time your orgasm so that:
    1. Your partner climaxes first.
    2. You both climax simultaneously.
    3. You don't miss Match Of The Day.

  • Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    1. Healthy, creative love-play
    2. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
    3. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

  • Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    1. The best part of the experience
    2. The second best part of the experience
    3. $100 extra

  • Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    1. No concern to you
    2. Not a problem, she can join your gym
    3. A conservative estimate.

  • You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    1. A myth
    2. An oxymoron
    3. A Moron

  • Foreplay is to sex as:
    1. Appetiser is to entree
    2. Primer is to paint
    3. A long line is to an amusement park ride

  • Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    1. 'I hope we can still be friends'
    2. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
    3. 'Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.'

  • A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    1. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of Intimacy.
    2. Is uptight and a waste of time
    3. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS:

  • If you answered '1' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man!!
  • If you answered '2' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
  • If you answered '3' more than 7 times, 'YOU DA MAN!'

Because we are MEN

  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
  • If you stay at home and do the housework you are a PANSIE.
  • If you work too hard there is NEVER ANY TIME FOR HER AND THE KIDS.
  • If you don't work hard enough, you are a GOOD FOR NOTHING LAYABOUT.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay that is EXPLOITATION.
  • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND FIND SOMETHING BETTER.
  • If a man gets a promotion ahead of a woman, that is FAVOURITISM.
  • If a woman gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is EQUAL OPPORTUNITY.
  • If we mention how nice she looks, that is SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
  • If we keep quiet, that is TYPICAL MALE INDIFFERANCE.
  • If we cry, we're SHEILIAS.
  • If we don't, we're INSENSITIVE BASTARDS.
  • If a man thumps a women, that is WIFE BASHING.
  • If they thump us, that is SELF DEFENCE.
  • If we make a decision without her, we're a CHAUVINIST.
  • If she makes a decision without us, she is a LIBERATED WOMAN.
  • If we ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is DOMINATION.
  • If she asks us, its a FAVOUR.
  • If we appreciate the female in frilly underwear, we're SEXUAL PERVERTS.
  • If we don't notice, we're POOFTERS.
  • If we like a woman to keep in shape, we're SEXISTS.
  • If we don't care, then we're UNROMANTIC.
  • If we try to keep ourselves in shape, that is VANITY.
  • If we don't, we're SLOBS.
  • If we buy her flowers, we are AFTER SOMETHING.
  • If we don't, we're FORGETFUL.
  • If we are proud of our achievments, we're UP OURSELVES.
  • If we aren't, we're NOT AMBITIOUS.
  • If we ask for a cuddle, we NEVER THINK OF ANYTHING BUT SEX.
  • If we're totally wrecked after a bad day at work, we NEVER GIVE A STUFF ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES NEEDS.
  • If she has a headache, it means SHE IS TIRED.
  • If we have a headache, it means WE DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE.
  • If we want it too often, we're OVER SEXED.
  • If we don't, THERE MUST BE SOMEONE ELSE.

New concise Oxford slang

  • Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
  • Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
  • Back End of the Batmobile: The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry. "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Batmobile."
  • Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.
  • Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
  • Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
  • BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
  • Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
  • Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
  • Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
  • Budgie's Tongue or Small Man In A Boat or Tongue Punchbag: The female erection.
  • BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
  • Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
  • Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
  • Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
  • Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
  • Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
  • Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
  • Fizzy Gravy or Rusty Water: Diarrhoea.
  • Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
  • Free the Tadpoles: Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
  • Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
  • FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
  • Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
  • Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
  • Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.
  • Hefty Cleft or Horse's Collar or Welly Top: Description of a very large vagina.
  • McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
  • Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
  • Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
  • Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
  • Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
  • NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
  • Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
  • Sperm Wail or Spuphemism: A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
  • Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut: A homosexual.
  • 10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
  • 2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
  • Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.
  • Todger Dodger: A lesbian.
  • Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
  • X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
  • Bo! Bo!!! Come back with that! ...bad dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  • Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie...
  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  • Augh, there go the lights again...
  • "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
  • "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
  • What's this doing here?
  • I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
  • That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
  • I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  • Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  • Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
  • Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  • And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape...
  • OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
  • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  • What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  • She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
  • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
  • Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Things to do to liven up a lift journey

  1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
  2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
  4. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  5. Miaow occasionally.
  6. Stare at another passenger for a while then announce in horror "You're one of them," and back away slowly.
  7. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
  9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce "I have new socks on."
  11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
  12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
  13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers "This is my personal space."
  14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
  15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  16. Ask if you can push buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
  18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream "That's mine!"
  19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with passengers.
  21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
  22. Call out "Group Hug!" then enforce it!
  23. Drop a massive, loud, ripper of a fart. It doesn't matter how old you get, it's always hilarious!!!

VIZ Top Tips

  • Weight Watchers. Avoid the devilish temptation to nibble at that chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  • Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then placing it back in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking the rest of them.
  • Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
  • Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
  • If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  • Housewives: When nipping down the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
  • Make bath time as much fun for kiddies as a trip to the sea side by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
  • Recreate the fun of a trip to the swimming pool in the comfort of your own home, by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, & urinating into it before jumping in.
  • Girls: Too old or young to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke that looks at you over the fence.
  • Girls: An empty Aluminium cigar tube, filled with angry wasps, makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  • Lads: Don't waste money on expensive ribbed condoms to give your girlfriend that extra sensation. Simply use an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside before you put it on.
  • X-files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of Vodka. You'll inevitably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
  • Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by simply covering any cuts with strips of bacon.
  • Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.
  • Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
  • Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking in the direction of the oncoming traffic.
  • When crossing a one way street always look both ways, in case a large blue furniture removal van is reversing the wrong way up the road.
  • Anorexics: When your knees become fatter than your legs, it's time to start eating cakes again.
  • Hijackers: Avoid a long stressful siege, the risk of arrest or even death, by simply booking the flight to the right destination in the first place.
  • Deter Goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.
  • Parents: Ensure kids always wear rubber safety shoes. This will avoid them being virtually incinerated on the spot when flying kites nearoverhead power cables.
  • Olympic Athletes: Disguise the fact that you are taking performance enhancing drugs by simply running that bit slower.
  • Sweetcorn Fans: Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
  • Pretend you're a giant Panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo, and refusing to have sex with the missus.
  • Manchester United Fans: Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm instead.
  • Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink instead.
  • Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice piece of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't notice any difference.
  • Invited by vegetarians to dinner? Since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
  • Spice up your sex life 'rodeo style', by taking you missus from behind, holding on tightly to her jugs and calling her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
  • Drivers: Pressing the headlight switch a second time dips the fuckers.
  • HGV Drivers: When climbing a long hill at 20mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

Observations

  • "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships" (Sharon Stone)
  • "My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading" (Steve Jobs)
  • "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps" (Tiger Woods)
  • "Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"" (Patricia Arquette)
  • "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master" (Rev. Jesse Jackson)
  • "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" (Jack Nicholson)
  • "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is" (Barbara Bush)
  • "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" (Robin Williams)
  • "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time" (Robin Williams)
  • "Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" (Roseanne)
  • "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" (Billy Crystal)
  • "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful" (Robert De Niro)
  • "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)
  • "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)
  • "When the sun comes up, I have morals again" (Elizabeth Taylor)
  • "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house" (Rod Stewart)

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