Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN OF THE UK.
- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
- She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
- She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
- He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
- He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
- He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
- He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
- He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
- He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
- He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
- He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
- He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
The following statements are taken from product labels!
- On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
- On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
- On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
- On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
- In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
- On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
- In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
- On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
- On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING??!!
- On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
- On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
- On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
- On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
- On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
- On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.