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The rules and instructions on being a WOMAN

  1. The Female always makes the Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows the Rules, she must immediately change some of the Rules.
  5. The Female is never wrong.
  6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male said or did.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

Top Things PMS Stands For

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Pack My Stuff
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid Section
  5. People Make Me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface

25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages car pooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the Lux-cantine food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Why a motorcycle is better than a woman?

  1. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
  2. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
  3. Motorcycles last longer.
  4. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
  5. Motorcycles don't have parents.
  6. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  7. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
  8. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
  9. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
  10. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
  11. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
  12. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
  13. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
  14. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
  15. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
  16. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
  17. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
  18. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
  19. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
  20. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
  21. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
  22. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
  23. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
  24. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
  25. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
  26. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
  27. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
  28. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
  29. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
  30. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
  31. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
  32. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
  33. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
  34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
  35. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
  36. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
  37. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over

  1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
  2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
  3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
  4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
  5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
  6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
  7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
  8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
  9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
  10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Things never to say to a MAN

  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it's cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don't we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It's more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a nightcrawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
  13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Ever hear of Clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn't know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won't take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it's hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
  58. Nevermind, why bother.

25 reasons why HOCKEY is better than SEX

  1. It's ok to bleed during play.
  2. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.
  3. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
  4. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
  5. You can still play when you get married.
  6. You can change on the fly.
  7. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
  8. If you can't get it up, who cares?
  9. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.
  10. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!
  11. It is broadcast live on TV.
  12. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.
  13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!
  14. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!
  15. You always know how big the stick is.
  16. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
  17. The puck is always hard.
  18. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
  19. It lasts a full hour.
  20. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
  21. Your parents cheer when you score.
  22. Periods only last 20 minutes.
  23. You can count on it at least twice a week, 4 times a night.
  24. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
  25. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

Signs that you are too drunk

Promoting National Condom Week

  1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
  2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
  3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
  4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
  5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
  6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
  7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
  8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
  9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
  10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
  11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOU DICK
  12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
  13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
  14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
  15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
  16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
  17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
  18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
  19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
  20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
  21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

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