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The Turtles' Picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the beers and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without beer. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the cafe down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!,.....I'm not Bloody going!'

The Lad's Prayer

Our beer
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the local
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those that spillest against us
And lead us not into the poncey practise of wine tasting
And deliver us from alco-pops
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
For ever and ever
Barmen.

The creation of pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

Memo From Human Resources Dept.

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the district have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrase has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

A Dollar

After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. In his last day he went to same routine as he did for 25 years.

When he arrived the first house people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement.

When he arrived the second house people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement.

When he arrived the third house a blond lady opened the door and invited him in. They went to upstairs and had sex for two hours. Then she cooked him breakfast and handed him a dollar.

The postman was surprised, he asked: I had the greatest sex which I hadn't for years, breakfast was nice but what's with the dollar? The blond lady answered: Last night I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, what should we do? Well my husband said: 'Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar' She added 'well, the breakfast was my idea!'

More deadly than the male

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks etc, there were 3 final applicants, 2 men and 1 woman.

The final test: the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The CIA man said, "You are definitely not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I cannot kill my wife." The CIA man said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and opened the door. Before the door was completely closed, shots were heard, one shot after the other. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few more minutes it was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Ways to think...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

I'm never going to sit on a train again!

If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read.

During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries.

The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:



When the seats were taken apart, they found:



It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol).

No ears

Sadly, Dave was born without ears and, understandably, was very sensitive to people's reactions.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!"

Survey

Recently the UN worldwide conducted a survey. The question asked was: "Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:

Who am I?

I'm about 8 inches long.

My functioning is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

I'm usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.

I boast a clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other.

In use, I'm inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening.

There I'm thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, I leave behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from my long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, I return to my freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action.

Hopefully, I will reach my bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often it is much less.

WHO AM I?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own...

TOOTHBRUSH!!!

What were you thinking? You PERVERT!

Shipwreck

An Aussie, a sheep, and an Alsatian were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it but the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the chap took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Aussie had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Blondes Inc.

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruitsalad for supper. The recipe said to serve without dressing. So I didnt dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said to wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I cant say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said to prepare ingredients then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe foor cookies.It said to put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home some chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday( oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bobs folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger to my dissappoinment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exiting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Bob the hunter

Bob was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly Bob decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived it would take several months before Bob finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Canadian baby boys

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you, so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds". The bartender, puzzled and concerned, "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

Jim and Mary

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom And stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses". "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself >in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." Mary is back in her old room.

Male mentality

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is great and good-looking. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she winked and just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was ... to get a condom.

Bubba

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Bubba.



At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Parents of teenage daughters...cross your fingers!

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mum and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing and crying the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge: If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the whole time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him... "You'll fuck her again!"

Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door has a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"

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