This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.
"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to,please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up and applauded.
A man decided to march in the Holy Crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him: "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key!"
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have aquestion to ask you but I don't want to offend you.".
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me" She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K. pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, why are you crying?" she asks.
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is John and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.
1st Scene...
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of their little son.
Daddy: Oh!!! You Bitch!
Mommy: What?? You Bastard!
Son: Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy: It means Ladies and Gentlemen son.
Son: Oh I see!!
2nd Scene...
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the papers.
Son: Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: It means coats and hats, son.
Son: Oh I see!!
3rd Scene...
Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by; the toilet. Suddenly daddy cut himself and scream...
Daddy: Oh SHIT!!
Son: Daddy, what's shit?
At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say..
Daddy: It means shaving cream, son.
Son: Oh I see!!
4th Scene...
Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove.The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy: Oh! Fuck!
Son: Mommy, what's fuck?
At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: It means stuffing, son
Son: Oh I see!!
5th Scene...
It's Christmas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all that is uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house. Proudly he said... "Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the moment. You see; Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs and mummy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come out in a minute!!"
Everyone fainted!
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Lisa and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Peter and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Daniel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject.
Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Daniel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad plays hockey for Team SWEDEN, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the sh*t out of him."
A WARMONGER EXPLAINS WAR TO A PEACENIK
by Bill Davidson
PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?
WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of Security Council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate Security Council resolutions.
PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.
WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over New York.
PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.
WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.
PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for attacking us or our allies with such weapons.
WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorist networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.
PN: But couldn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the Eighties ourselves, didn't we?
WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early Eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry lunatic murderer.
PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic murderer?
WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.
PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador to Iraq, April Glaspie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait?
WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell its biological and chemical weapons to Al Qaida. Osama Bin Laden himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide-attack us, proving a partnership between the two.
PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill him?
WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be a partnership between Al Qaida and Saddam Hussein unless we act.
PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a secular infidel?
WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell presented a strong case against Iraq.
PN: He did?
WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Qaida poison factory in Iraq.
PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition?
WM: And a British intelligence report...
PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate student paper?
WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...
PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?
WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from inspectors...
PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix?
WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be revealed because it would compromise our security.
PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find evidence. You're missing the point.
PN: So what is the point?
WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because Resolution 1441 threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the Security Council will become an irrelevant debating society.
PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the Security Council?
WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.
PN: And what if it does rule against us?
WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade Iraq.
PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?
WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.
PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of billions of dollars.
WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.
PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.
WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its will by electing leaders to make decisions.
PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is important?
WM: Yes.
PN: But George Bush wasn't elected by voters. He was selected by the U.S. Supreme C...
WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about being a patriot. That's the bottom line.
PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not patriotic?
WM: I never said that.
PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass destruction that threaten us and our allies.
PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.
WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.
PN: You know this? How?
WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are still unaccounted for.
PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?
WM: Precisely.
PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to an unusable state over ten years.
WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.
PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, we must invade?
WM: Exactly.
PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.
WM: That's a diplomatic issue.
PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?
WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions.
PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.
WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.
PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim sentiments against us, and decrease our security?
WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.
PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we live?
WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.
PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face the consequences.
PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?
WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?
WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council?
WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security Council?
WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.
PN: In which case?
WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.
PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at all?
WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.
PN: That makes no sense.
WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that.
PN: Here... have a pretzel...
"It is the year 2032, a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."
The son, not understanding, asks his father: "What are the Twin Towers?"
The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: "Well well well, Mr. Bond! What say we heat things up a bit?" (Turns on flamethrower)
JAMES BOND: "You're treading on thin ice, Deathman!" (Adjusts his super secret watch which not only tells time, but it also tells time in the Metric System, which has 19 megaminutes per joule)
DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: (Shoots flamethrower) "The heat is on, Mr. Bond!"
JAMES BOND: "You're cold as ice, Deathman!" (Leaps over an ice desk and lands on an ice chair which falls onto the ice carpet near the ice ice machine)
DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: (Shoots at Bond but misses and instead blows up the kitchen) "If you can't take the heat, Mr. Bond, maybe you should get out of the kitchen!"
JAMES BOND: "You're melting my heart, Deathman!" (Something somewhere explodes for no reason. A helicopter flies around outside and hits a barrel and both blow up)
DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: "This is the end of the line for you, Mr. Bond! The agency called and said you're FIRED!" (Sprays more flames everywhere; ice catches fire somehow)
JAMES BOND: "Now now now, Deathman! That wasn't playing very n-ICE!" (Missiles fly out of Bond's teeth and cause chandelier to break off and plummet to the Earth, crushing the ice piano and the ice piano playing robot Sony Aibo Man)
DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: "N-ice? Boy, that's really pushing it, isn't it?" (Entire country of Portugal catches fire)
JAMES BOND: "Pushing it? Don't mind if I do!" (Pushes Deathman off a cliff. He falls 600 million feet and gets impaled on an icicle which then explodes, causing the ice below to rupture. Lava floods above the ice and immolates Deathman, whose body explodes and shoots scorpions and poisonous ladybugs everywhere, all of which explode while stinging his remaining body parts) "Looks like you got iced."
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me."
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on County Road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da voods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off all her clothes and said 'Ole take vatever you vant.'..."
"So I took da car."
"Ole, you're a smart man! Dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship:
"How do you feel about sex?" the man asked, rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old geezer reflected on this for a few moments and then asked, "About that last part - was that one word or two?"
A man walked into his daughters room one day, to find her lay on the bed with a 14" dildo stuck inside her.
"what the hell are you doing" he screams.
The daughter replies - "father, you never let me go out to meet people, and I have never been with a man. This rubber cock is my husband"
"very well" said the man, and walked out of the room.
The next night the young girl walked into her fathers room to find her dad on his hands and knees with a pint in his hand and the dildo stuck up his arse.
"what the hell are you doing" she screams.
"just having a pint with the son in law" he says.
Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, 'Great weather eh?' and I thought - 'Wait a minute... no way is it great weather.'" Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm like using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said 'Hey, great weather!'"
An Indian guy wisting his home in Bramaputhra and discussing his new life in England with his father:
Father: "How doo youu like it in Great Brittan, my son?"
Son: "Well father, the english people are very nice, funny and joke all the time. When they meet a very tall preson, they call him shorty. When they meet a very thin person, they call him fatty. And when they see mee they call me fuckin Indian and laugh. And I haven't had sex with anybody yet..."
During an adult's english class, the teacher says to the students: "Now, you have to make a sentence which contains the three words green, pink and yellow".
The Italian was the fastest: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun and the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Spanish was next: "I wake up in the morning. I eat a yellow banana, a green avocado and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last (and least!) was the French: "I wake up in ze morning, I hear ze phone 'green...green...', I pink up ze phone and I say 'Yellow?'"
A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third standard too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first standard and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third standarder should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third standard."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry: "Pockets."
Now no reactions or special face symbols on Harry's face. He was so cool!
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "What is that a woman has two and a cow has four?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry: "Legs"
The Principal said to stop this session, but the teacher continued.
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, answer me."
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.
Harry: "Wedding ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans!!"
"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional and in over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest "whoo-ha" the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.
Below are some examples of the most often used foreign language in Finland - Nokia English
Scene: Two men at a table waiting for their dates
A: How plenty is the bell?
B: It lacks but a few minutes of eight.
A: Aren't the girls becoming visible already?
B: Shall we be having long ones as we're expecting?
A: I don't want to be in my heads when they come.
B: Virgin! Virgin! (Waitress enters)
W: What is coming to you?
B: Two long ones and food list.
W: (giving drinks) Be good, be good. Is it getting to be another?
A: No thanks.
W: Are you costing together or different?
A: Different. Moment, moment. I feel I've got Matthew in my pouch.
B: Don't care. I'll cost.
A: Thanks.
B: It won't last (pays waitress).
A: No. So, through the northern lands.
B: Through the northern lands.
Girls enter - D and E. The men stand up and everyone says "Healthy".
A: No so. What is audible?
E: (shivering) I'm all iced. It's freezing outside. I'm all at the chicken flesh.
D: Sorry we're late. We had bunnies in our pants.
A: Butter butter! Bunnies in your pants!
E: Don't rip your footbal shorts. We made it root and root.
B: Virgin! Virgin! Where's the foodlist?
W: I'm not a virgin. I'm a boymangirl.
B: Butter that. Give pardon, give pardon. Two long ones still.
W: Be good, be good.
D: She feels like having a potato. Isn't it so?
A: Do you have hunger?
E: No, I've already got crumbs under my breast.
D: There's a hard hunger on me. What's on the foodlist?
A: Let's see. A beginning it can be sister sausage soup.
D: Sister sausage soup! Butter brothers!
B: How about a blow on the ear?
E: Blow on the ear! Go and ski up a spruce tree!
A: Well, there's also dropbread, liverbox, a poor knight for afterfood.
D: Don't know. This shows from interesting.
E: What?
D: Fishcock and elk balls!
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ............................. $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ... $2.50
Access to support ........................... $1.00
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes) "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock!!!"
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, one of your ribs, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for just the rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
- Hello.
- Hello. What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name's James Watt
- James what?
- Yes, are you Smith?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Well, will you tell me your name?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- The name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Yes, not Watt, Knott.
- What?
- What?
- Yes?
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$75.00"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor ..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob ... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"Baby . . . don't be like that."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says . . . "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a third time. When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.
"Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to SteviE: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
A muscly Irishman walks into a bar one day
Bar man: "Don't take this the wrong way but that's an amazing body you've got there"
Muscly man: "Thanks"
Bar man: "But if you don't mind me asking, how com your head's so small?"
Muscly man: "well, that's a bit of a story now. You see I used to be a bit of a weed when one fine day I was walking through these woods and happened across an old teapot. Picked it up and gave it a wee rub (as you do) and out pops the sexiest jeannie I ever did see! On thanking me for releasing her she gave me three wishes, the first of which I asked for a big muscly body. Just like that, me muscles started sproutin, wripped me little clothes to shreds! After shaggin fuck out of her for me second wish she reminds me 'you know you still have one more wish'. So I says 'how's about a little head?'"
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof YOU shoot the dog!"
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me".
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde".
She says, "Yes doctor".
I thought so," he says, "your finger is broken".
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea of what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same situation you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar... you know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him.
The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the sheperd
- If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep which graze and says:
- All right.
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says:
- You have exactly 1586 sheep here.
The shepherd answers:
- That's correct, you can have your sheep.
The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The sheperd looks at him and asks:
- If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?
The young man answers:
- Yes, why not.
The shepherd says:
- You are an Arthur Andersen consultant!
- How did you know? asks the young man.
- Very simple, answers the shepherd:
- First, you come here without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars ... Your neighbour from forty miles away.... Having a party Friday to celebrate the new Millennium.... Thought you'd like to come. About 5..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."