Jokes » Countries

Cultural differences

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

  • 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
  • 2 French men and 1 French woman
  • 2 German men and 1 German woman
  • 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
  • 2 English men and 1 English woman
  • 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
  • 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
  • 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

  • The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
  • The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
  • The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
  • The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
  • The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
  • The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
  • The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
  • The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Today's English lesson...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine, "retorded the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola downa lady." said the man. Imma just tellin my frend howa to spella Mississippi."

EEC announcement

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

Preface to Mondlango

There is no doubt that most people agree that the Language Barrier exists. It is also certain that again most people agree that one or perhaps the best solution to the problem is a Common Language for the World. Such a language must necessarily be an artificial one, for no existing National language can really pretend to be sufficiently suitable for the purpose. Further, no Nation can afford to modify its native language enough to accommodate the rest of the world.

The perfect World Language must have at least five qualities which are absolutely necessary to help people learn a new language easily and quickly.

  • The alphabet must be simple, without strange characters and without accents for simplicity and with the computer in mind.
  • Each letter in the alphabet must have one and only one clear sound to avoid confusion; and every single letter must be pronounced.
  • This makes the language 100% phonetic, which is also another must. This makes it easy to read and write as well as pronounce correctly every time.
  • The grammar must be as simple as possible, and without exceptions.
  • It must have an easy and simple way of economizing on vocabulary to enable the student to learn it more quickly.
  • The above five qualities must ALL be present.

The qualities mentioned above for a perfect World Language immediately rule out as unsuitable any and every existing National language for the simple reason that no National language can be changed or even modified. And that makes it necessary to use an artificial, made for the purpose language, which will naturally favor no Nation in particular. No one is expected to abandon his/her own native tongue; but every one is encouraged to next learn this proposed new World Language.

Several attempts have been made in the past; but the only survivor has been Esperanto, which has all the above qualities except that:

  • it has some unpopular accents
  • it does not use the letters q, w, x, and y.

In July 2002, a small Chinese team led by HeYafu came up with a new solution to the language problem. To begin with, they recognized two basic facts. One, Esperanto has great merit. Two, Practically all Nations are trying to learn English. Now this beautiful and very rich language happens to have absolutely none of the above-mentioned qualities to recommend it as a perfect World Language; and yet it is spreading like wild fire throughout the world. So, in my opinion, it was very clever to fuse these two important facts into one, using English for many word roots and phoneticizing them as far as possible, and Esperanto for all its wonderful qualities, eliminating at the same time the two shortcomings mentioned above. In this way the student has the best of both worlds. He is learning a useful World Language and at the same time he is preparing to learn English as well, thus hitting two birds with one stone in the shortest possible time and with as little effort as possible.

This New Language was originally named Ulango (U for Universal, and lango for Language). However, as the pronunciation of U presents a problem, the team accepted to change it to Mondlango, pure and simple. Thousands of Chinese people are already learning it. This new language, like a new born babe is naturally not perfect, but in time it is bound to grow and mature into the New World Language it deserves to be MONDLANGO.

Understanding Global Economics

You have two cows. You eat Both of Them.
You Blame the former President For Shortages.
You Ask European Union To Give Another Two Cows To Eat.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
the British for warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs
and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world.

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows citing that it is an axis of evil & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are 1/10th the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers...

An Italian in LA

I am an Italiano.

One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, ...

I gonna back to Italy.

A blonde in Italy

An Italian man, relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No." Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"

You know you have been in Finland too long when...

  1. You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
  2. As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki, and see the statue is titled "Svinhufvud" you no longer read it as "Swinehead" and instead you think "What a good Swedish name!"
  3. A stranger on the street smiles at you:
    • you assume he's drunk,
    • he's insane,
    • he's an American.
  4. You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry.
  5. A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer "Oh, I'm going to Europe!" meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.
  6. You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put your money in your wallet.
  7. You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder "Who does he think he is!!??"
  8. Silence is fun.
  9. The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is:
    • duty free vodka
    • duty free beer
    • to party hearty... no need to get off the boat in Stockholm, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Finland.
  10. Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.
  11. You pass a grocery store and think "Wow, it is open, I had better go in and buy something!"
  12. Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to "eat medicine"... "open the television"... "close the lights off", and tell someone "you needn't to!" Expressions like "Don't panic" creep into your everyday language.
  13. You associate pea soup with Thursday.
  14. Your idea of unforgivable behaviour now includes walking across the street when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol, even though there are no cars in sight.
  15. Your notion of streetlife is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
  16. Your bad mood becomes your good mood.
  17. Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel restful instead.
  18. "No comment" becomes a conversation strategy.
  19. You finally stop asking your class "Are there any questions?"
  20. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the phone directory seems right.
  21. Your old habit of being "fashionably late" is no longer acceptable. You are always on time.
  22. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
  23. You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvi's broadcast of the hockey game.
  24. You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30 degree weather.
  25. You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:
    • they are drunk,
    • the are Swedish-speaking,
    • they are American.
  26. You give up on trying to find fat-free food and pile on the butter, cream and sugar.
  27. You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
  28. You eat herring in 105 ways.
  29. You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognise it as semi-formal wear.
  30. You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example, MERI.........LITTTO OY.
  31. You have undergone a transformation and:
    • Mustamakkara/Black-blood sausage is food
    • you accept alcohol as food
    • you accept.
  32. You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
  33. When you can choose between one good fuck with a pretty girl or a drunken evening, you say: "Why loosing some fuel instead of getting some?"

Some facts about Finland

FINLAND - the land of booze and polar bears

It can't have escaped anyone's notice that the net is crawling with Finns. Despite the fact that their total population is laughably small, at any given time around 60% of people online anywhere turn out to be Finnish. Even if you seek refuge on forums entirely dedicated to ancient mongolian skin complaints, at some point a Janni or Tommi or Aaasol will show up and be irritatingly chirpy.

Sinister, isn't it? Fortunately my army of gimp researchers are on the case and are now ready to reveal the TRUTH about evil, evil Finland. Here we go...

  1. The Winter War. What the hell happened there? When Joe Stalin's T-34's rolled into central Europe the Wehrmacht and Waffen-SS screamed like girls and ran away. However all it took was a few dozen of Santa's little helpers lobbing snowballs and the Russkis bottled out in Finland. What really happened? Is the truth too horrible to reveal.
  2. Linux. Open-source coding meant that the entire structure of Western capitalism was under threat. Fortunately all that happened was that a few dozen ubergeeks experienced immediate and uncontrollable climax while the rest of the world yawned and loaded up Windows. Try harder, evil Finns.
  3. Anyway, I've heard that Linus Torsvald smells of chisels.
  4. When Tolkien wanted to create a people who were inhuman, pointy-eared and as camp as Butlins, whose language did he base their speech on? Yup- you guessed it.
  5. Mobile phones. Utterly dominated by those skulking trolls between Sweden and Russia. Their phones get smaller every day- ideal for those spindly elven fingers, but damning the rest of humanity to cordless communication serfdom. Do you think you're going to get away with it?
  6. It's an established fact that if you want to be a great distance runner you have to come from a hot country. So where do Paavo Nurmi and Lasse Viren come in? I can now reveal that their "training" regime consisted of them having raw chillies stuffed up their bums and having starving packs of wild dogs unleashed on them. It won them loads of gold medals but at what cost, Finland? At what cost?
  7. Rally driving is totally dominated by Finns. This is because Finland's national sport involves using high-powered 4-wheel drive cars to run over elks. The record is held by Hannu Mikkola who successfully ran over 24 inside 2 minutes. He would have got more but his wheels got jammed by bits of snapped-off antler and leg.
  8. Norway is famous for it's fjords. These are made by Finns who sneak across at night and steal bits of the coastline, taking it back to Finland to make small hills. At the current rate of theft, by 2500 AD Norway will be only 200 metres wide.
  9. Take a look at a map of Finland. Go on, take a look. Absolutely millions of lakes. That can't be right.
  10. It's believed that the preponderance of lakes in Finland is due to them being stolen from other countries by Finns, along with their partners in lake-crime, Canada.
  11. Anyway, what do you get in lakes? Abandoned shopping trollies, spindly things with chewing mouth-parts, and bodies. Add it up.
  12. Santa Claus. Finland has been hailed as the home of Santa Claus since the 20th century. During that time, children's toys have displayed rising levels of dead spiders, razor blades and grit.
  13. Finland's national dish is an elk scrotum fried in batter.
  14. The last Suomithreadi contained detailed instructions on how to make home-brewed Rohypnol, as well as an incantation for summoning Satan.
  15. Finns attract sharks. I have no figures to back this up.
  16. Derby County FC. The reason for Georgi Kinkladze's recent poor form is that, in their last match agaist Liverpool, he was beaten to death with his own leg while the referee's back was turned. The culprit was Sami Hyppia. A Finn.
  17. Where's ottok? What have you done with him?
  18. If all the world's Finns were laid end to end they'd cause a really nasty traffic jam.

About Finland...

  • +15°C / 59°F
    This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

  • +10°C / 50°F
    The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

  • +5°C / 41°F
    Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

  • 0°C / 32°F
    Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

  • -5°C / 23°F
    People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

  • -10°C / 14°F
    The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.

  • -20°C / -4°F
    The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

  • -30°C / -22°F
    People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

  • -40°C / -40°F
    Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

  • -50°C / -58°F
    Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

  • -60°C / -76°F
    Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

  • -70°C / -94°F
    The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

  • -183°C / -297.4°F
    Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

  • -273°C / -459.4°F
    ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

Beautiful Finland

Aug 12
Moved to our new home in Finland. It is so beautiful here. The mountains and lakes are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here.

Oct 14
Finland must be the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves have turned all the colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride in the mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful, they have got to be the most wonderful animals on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov 11
The deer hunting season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. I hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Nov 12
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a picture postcard. We all went outside and cleaned off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We then had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplough came by, we had to shovel the driveway again - ho hum! What a beautiful place. I simply love it here.

Dec 8
More snow again last night. I love it. The snowplough man did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec 19
Yet more snow last night - must have had about 23 different types! Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I'm exhausted from shovelling snow. Fucking snowplough.

Dec 22
More of that damn white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shovelling. I think that the snowplough hides just round the bend and waits until I've done shovelling the driveway. Asshole!

Dec 25
Merry fucking Christmas! More bloody snow. If I ever get my hands on that bastard who drives the snowplough I swear I'll kill the bastard. I don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec 27
I don't belive it - more white shit last night. We've been inside for three days now except for when we are shovelling out the driveway after the snowplough goes trough everytime. Can't go anywhere, the car is buried under a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says we are to expect another 30cm of the shit again tonight. Do you have any idea of how many shovels full of snow 30cm is?

Dec 28
Fucking weatherman! How wrong can you get? We got 90cm of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt befor next summer. The snowplough got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked if he could borrow my shovel! Fucking nerve of the man! After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling all that shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head. Ha ha!

Jan 4
Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food and another snow shovel and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about EUR 1000 of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed, they're a bloody menace. I wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3
Took the car to the local garage for a service. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all that fucking salt they put on the roads.

May 10
Moved to Spain. I can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would want to live in bloody Finland.

Let's all move to Kansas

May 30
Just moved to Atchison, KS. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

Really heating up. Got to 100°F today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10
The temperature hasn't been below 100°F all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 15
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 2nd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 2 days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20
I missed Jerry (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Jerry had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and SHITS. No more pets in this heat.

July 25
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4
It's 115°F. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down a little, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 90°F. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid town.

Aug 8
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a dead cat!!

Aug 9
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt ass and fried cat.

Aug 10
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn place?? Water rationing will be next, so $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 113°F today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Life as an American

  • We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
  • We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
  • We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
  • We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
  • We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
  • We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
  • We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
  • We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."
  • We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
  • We talk about baseball, shopping or fishing in the office, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
  • We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
  • We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
  • We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

Only in America...

  1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  2. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  3. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  5. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  6. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  7. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  8. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
  9. Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. (Okay, so that's an interesting misapplication of the fine science of etymology, but it's still funny!)
  10. Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Beware America


Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a shit on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked by them. So it must be true, right?

Why Americans should never be let out the country

Actual comments from US travel agents...

  • I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
  • A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
  • I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
  • A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
  • I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
  • Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
  • A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
  • A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  • I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
  • A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
  • A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
  • A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said,: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal"

U.S. Travel Advisory: France

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.

France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition.

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connection France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn.

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays and: 197 saint's days, 37 National Liberation days, 16 Declaration of Republic days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won the War Single-Handed days, 18 Napoleon Called Back from Exile days and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World Isn't days. Other important holidays include National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12th), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1st) and National Guillotine Day (November 12th.)

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember that no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.

Just a little fun...

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of course." Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk. American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Canadian: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.

Balance (is there one?)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel found Him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God: "Where have you been ?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I have created" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I have put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it is going to be a great place of balance". "Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America will be poor, the Middle East, over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people". God continued, pointing out various places and various countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arrid, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel was very impressed by God's work and he pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God, "that's Holland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautifull lakes, rivers and countryside The people are are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world. They will be exremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Belgium."

Balance (another one)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made." Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance". "Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life". The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard- working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Japanese Joke

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungly."
The waitress says, "So how is wanking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

German Lesson #7

Dog CatcherBarkenpantensniffensnatcher
Dog Catcher's truckBarkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen
Garage for TruckBarkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck RepairmanBarkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerker
Mechanic's UnionBarkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerkerfeatherbeddengefixengruppe
Hypodermic NeedleChestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtensticker
Piano StoolPlinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderspinnenseat
Piano RecitalPlinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspelle
Fathers at the RecitalPlinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the RecitalPlinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppenuppenwakers
Auto MechanicHonkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer
Repair BillBankenrollergebustenuptottenliste

Chinese Proverbs

  • Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
  • Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  • Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
  • Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
  • Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  • Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  • War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
  • Crowded elevator smell different to midget.