Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
A: His ass.
Q: Why are Star Trek and toilet paper the same?
A: They both fight cling-ons and circle Uranus.
Q: What meat do priests eat?
Q: What is green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit's finger.
Q: How do you get a polish woman pregnant?
A: Cumm on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: Why can't the polish women use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 15 years your job still sucks.
Q: Why was Frosty the snowman happy?
A: He heard the snow-blower was coming.
Q: Why does a gog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.
Q: Why did the Greek boy leave home?
A: He didn't like how his father was rearing him.
Q: Why did the Greek boy return?
A: He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: She answered the iron.
Q: How did she burn the other?
A: They called back.
Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So they wouldn't leave snail trails.
Q: What is a vampire's tea-bag?
A: A tampon.
Q: What did one rubber say to the other as they passed a gay bar?
A: Want to go in and get shit-faced?
Q: What did one gay guy say to another as they passed a morgue?
A: Want to go suck down a cold one?
Q: What do you get when you cross a 10 foot pole with a rooster?
A: A ten foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q: Why did God make women the way they are?
A: So you can carry them like a six-pack when tey get drunk.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.
Q: What are the three biggest lies men tell women?
A: I love you, the check is in the mail, and I won't cumm in your mouth.
Q: Do you know what "taint" is?
A: It's the space between a woman's pussy and asshole. Taint quite pussy and taint quite asshole.
Q: What did the three-legged say when he walked in the bar?
A: I'm looking for the man who shot my pa (paw).
Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a polish woman?
A: The hockey player changes his pad every 3 periodes.
Q: How can you tell if your boyfriend is a bisexual?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
Q: What is a gay guy's favorite pick up line?
A: Mind if I push your stool in?
Q: What's five bad things about being a penis?
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: Why are all blond jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them.
Q: What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q: What is the difference between ET and a man?
A: ET phoned home.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood he is already there.
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: 'I can do better than this!'
Q: How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A: We cook/ they eat; we clean/ they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
Q: What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: How do men exercise at the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: What does a man consider to be a 7 course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and a mature man?
A: Big Foot's been sighted.
Why did God create woman?
- To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
- The swallow.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
- Call her.
Why do women fake orgasms?
- Because they think men care.
What is the definition of "making love"
- Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
- Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your HOLE weak.
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
- None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
- One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white?
- Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
- Nothing, she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
- Made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
- Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
- A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
- 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
- Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
- They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
- A man to show her how to work it.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
- They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
- She knows she's given her last blow job.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
- A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
- After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
- Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called "waist"?
- Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
- When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
- Put a nipple on it.
Why did the woman cross the road?
- What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
- Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
How is a woman like a condom?
- Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A: Because Janet Reno is her real father.
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
Q: What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A: You push it aside and keep on eating!
Q: How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A: It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q: What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!
Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Q: What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A: "Nice Dick!"
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: 4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
Q: What's the definition of indefinitely?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What is 6.9?
A: Good sex interrupted by a period.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken.
Q: How are pubic hairs like parsley?
A: You push them aside before you eat.
Q: What's the difference between an airship and 365 blowjobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, the other is an excellent year.
Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"
Q: What is the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip
Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Q: What is the speed for sex?
A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?
A: Because she was fucking Goofy.
Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: "Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one heck of a blowjob!"
Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.
Q: What does KFC and a woman have in common?
A: Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night."
Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it
Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you?
Q: What did the dick say to the condom?
A: "Cover me, I'm going in!"
Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A: Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Miss, were you cited in the accident?
A: Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
Q: How old are you?
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on...what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published bycourt reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place: (Don't miss the last one!)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.