Jokes » Lists

Twenty Responses to Use When plagued with calls from Telemarketers

  1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
  3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
  5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
  6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
  8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
  9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
  11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
  12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" Hang up.
  13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
  16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
  17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
  18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...
  20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Office Dares

Dares

  1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
  3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise Office Dares your voice).
  4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
  5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Double-dares

  1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
  4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
  5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
  7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
  8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
  9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
  12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
  13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
  18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Symptoms of being over 25

  1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
  2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
  3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
  4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
  5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
  6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
  7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
  8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
  9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
  10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
  11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
  12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
  13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
  14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
  15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
  16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
  17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
  18. You always have enough milk in.
  19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
  20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
  21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
  22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B & Q.
  23. You wish you had a shed.
  24. You have a shed.
  25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day..."
  26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.
  27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
  28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
  29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
  30. If you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in...
  31. You find yourself saying "Is it cold in here or is it just me?"

You know you're an ENGINEER when...

  • The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
  • Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
  • In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
  • The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
  • You are always late to meetings
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
  • You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
  • You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
  • You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • You know what http:// actually stands for
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • You see a good design and still have to change it
  • You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
  • You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
  • You window shop at Radio Shack
  • You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
  • You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is
  • Your checkbook always balances
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car
  • Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
  • Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
  • You've already calculated how much you make per second
  • You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio

The World's best pickup lines

  • I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
  • Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
  • Is your daddy a thief? "No."Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."
  • You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
  • Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
  • Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
  • The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
  • Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
  • That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
  • My name's your name. That's so you know what to scream.
  • My name's your name, but you can call me "lover."
  • Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
  • Can I flirt with you?
  • Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
  • Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?": Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
  • All those curves, and me with no brakes.
  • If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
  • I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
  • Grab his/her tush. Pardon me, is this seat taken?
  • Is it hot in here or is it just you?
  • Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart. Cheese alert!
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
  • How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
  • Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
  • I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
  • So... How am I doin'?
  • How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
  • Tap your thigh You just think this is my leg.
  • Say, that's a nice dress/outfit/article of clothing. Can I talk you out of it?
  • I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
  • I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
  • Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
  • My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
  • (regard their outfit) Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.
  • Hey! Let's get naked!!!
  • Where have you been all of my life?
  • Got any Irish in you? You want some?

More pickup lines

  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
  • Nice legs...what time do they open?
  • You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
  • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
  • I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
  • I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
  • I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
  • Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
  • Are those real?
  • You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
  • I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
  • You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
  • Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  • I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
  • If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
  • Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
  • Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
  • Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
  • I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Blow Job Etiquette

Female Point of View

  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extention to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extention to rule #3 - No, I don't have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extention to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you are, it is NEVER okay to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week" - get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit so, no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
  9. Extention to rule #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked with highschool girls, but if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
  10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me that I have just "wrecked it" for you.
  11. Leaving me alone in bed while you go play video games is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably not best to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we are good at it. (See rule #2 about gratitude.)
  13. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
  14. No, it does not particularly taste good, and I don't care about the protein content.
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
  16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean that I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier, who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful that I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
  6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
  7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in the flavor country.
  8. At least there is no danger of my dick bleeding in your mouth.
  9. Play with the balls.
  10. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
  11. Carress the ass too. We like that.
  12. Complain now about it being "wide awake" in the morning, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it will be "sound asleep".
  13. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Top 25 reasons why guys masturbate

  1. To stop the voices.
  2. Because the director feels it enhances the scene and further develops my character.
  3. Because mom's too tired to give me a handjob.
  4. To scare the person next to me on the plane.
  5. Because that is what Mistress Zarri desires and therefore demands.
  6. It doesn't reach my mouth.
  7. It can add a whole new dimension to making shadow puppets.
  8. If I don't, I have a habit of playing with my shit.
  9. Your mom gets off by watching me.
  10. Unfortunately, so does your dad.
  11. Pimples.
  12. It doesn't cost anything and I usually get a prize.
  13. I've always found gloryholes to be too impersonal.
  14. To make my goldfish jealous. Try it.
  15. To passively protest the Magna Carta.
  16. I look cool in front of the mirror when I'm doing it.
  17. I don't like the taste of postage stamps.
  18. I certainly wouldn't make love to a corpse, that would be demented.
  19. I like to pretend that I'm putting gel in my Barbie's hair.
  20. Regis and Kathie Lee.
  21. It makes my balls laugh.
  22. For the taste.
  23. So I can last longer during those once in a blue moon encounters I'm always having with ape-like girls.
  24. Because I'm too big to fit in the crib.
  25. Nothing better to do.

Fitness Philosophy

  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 6 - She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is.
  • The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
  • I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
  • I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  • I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
  2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  4. Her tits are just too big.
  5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
  6. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
  7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
  8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
  9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

Computers in the movies

Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies.

  • Word processors never display a cursor.
  • You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. A skilled technician will bring such a computer back online in minutes.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per scond.
  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file - and there are no undelete utilities.
  • If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  • Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  • Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. While operating computers under stress, humans NEVER make mistakes.
  • Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
  • Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

Ten things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars

  1. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
  2. The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  3. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  4. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  5. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  7. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  8. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  9. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  10. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

Lincoln vs Kennedy

Here are some interesting facts about the two well-known presidents of the United States of America:

  • Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
  • John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.

  • Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
  • John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

  • The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

  • Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
  • Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
  • Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
  • Both were shot in the head.

  • Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
  • Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

  • Both were assassinated by southerners.
  • Both were succeeded by southerners.
  • Both successors were named Johnson.

  • Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
  • Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

  • John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

  • Both assassins were known by three names.
  • Both names contain fifteen letters.

  • Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
  • Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

  • Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

  • A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
  • A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The Shit List

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.

  • Ghost Shit
    That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

  • Clean Shit
    The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

  • Wet Shit
    The kind where you wipe your but 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with brown stain.

  • Second Wave Shit
    It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

  • Brain-Hemorrhage Through-Your-Nose-Shit or the Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit
    The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

  • Richard Simmons Shit
    The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

  • Corn Shit
    Self-explanatory.

  • Lincoln Log Shit
    The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

  • Drinker's Shit
    That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the treadmarks left on the bottom of the toilet.

  • "Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit
    It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

  • Spinal Tap Shit
    That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

  • Wet Cheeks Shit or the Power Dump
    That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that you butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

  • Liquid Shit
    That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

  • Mexican Food Shit
    A class all its own!!

Top Ten Signs You're An Internet Geek

  1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
  2. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
  3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
  4. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
  5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
  6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
  7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
  8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
  9. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
  10. Two words: "Pizza's here."

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

  1. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.
  2. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.
  3. Ice floating in toilet water.
  4. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
  5. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.
  6. You can never find the leftovers.
  7. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.
  8. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
  9. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".
  10. Your apartment keys no longer work.

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

  1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  6. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  7. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the next morning.
  10. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR

Warning labels that should be on beer

  1. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
  6. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
  8. The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
  9. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  13. The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Cat Wisdom

  • Cats do what they want, when they want.
  • They rarely listen to you.
  • They're totally unpredictable.
  • They whine when they are not happy.
  • When you want to play they want to be alone.
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  • They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  • They're moody.
  • They leave hair everywhere.
  • They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

Top 10 Aphorisms

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
  5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  6. There are two types of pedestrian, the quick and the dead.
  7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  10. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

  1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day; tomorrow is not looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
  8. My reality check bounced.
  9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Say it with words

  • Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
  • The Lord's prayer: 66 words
  • Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
  • The 10 Commandments: 179 words
  • The Gettysburg address: 286 words
  • The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
  • The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Things guys think girls should know

  • We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
  • No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.
  • We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
  • Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
  • Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
  • We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
  • Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
  • If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
  • If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
  • We never shave our legs. Get over it.
  • NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
  • Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
  • When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
  • We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
  • We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
  • Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong"
  • You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would, be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
  • We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
  • Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.
  • Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say".
  • Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
  • Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
  • Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
  • PMS is not an excuse.
  • If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
  • Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
  • And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach...and maybe...oh nevermind.
  • And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents

  • My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
  • Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
  • Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
  • Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
  • We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
  • Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
  • Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
  • Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
  • There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
  • Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

Things that took me 50 years to learn

  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
  • There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  • People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  • And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  • You should not confuse your career with your life.
  • No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
  • Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  • Never lick a steak knife.
  • Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
  • "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  • You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Ski Season Tips

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

  • Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
  • Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
  • If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
  • Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
  • Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
  • Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  • Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  • Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
  • Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
  • Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  • Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  • Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
  • Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  • Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
  • Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Girlfriend Catalogue

  • OLD YELLER
    "You spineless, good-for-nothing, drag-ass, no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?!"
    Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
    Advantages: Pays attention to you
    Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

  • THE BOSSER
    "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
    Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-It-All, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
    Advantages: Often right
    Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

  • WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL
    "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
    Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
    Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
    Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

  • HUFFY
    "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
    Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
    Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
    Disadvantages: You will have no friends

  • WOMAN FROM MARS
    "I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
    Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
    Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
    Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

  • MS. DREAMGIRL
    "I am utterly content with my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
    Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
    Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
    Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

How to talk and be PC

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN OF THE UK.
  2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
  8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
  9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Kids say...

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

  • The future of "I give" is "I take."
  • The parts of speech are lungs and air.
  • The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
  • A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
  • Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
  • (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
  • A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
  • The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
  • A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
  • We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
  • One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
  • A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
  • One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
  • To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  • The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
  • Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
  • The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
  • Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
  • The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
  • In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
  • Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
  • In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
  • A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Follow instructions

The following statements are taken from product labels!

  • On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
  • On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
  • On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
  • On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
  • On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
  • In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
  • On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
  • In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
  • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
  • On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING??!!
  • On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
  • On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
  • On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
  • On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
  • On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

Differences between bosses and employees

  • When you take a long time, you're slow.
  • When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

  • When you don't do it, you're lazy.
  • When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

  • When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
  • When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

  • When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
  • When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

  • When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
  • When your boss does it, he's being firm.

  • When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
  • When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

  • When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
  • When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

  • When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
  • When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

  • When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
  • When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

  • When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
  • When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

  • When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
  • When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Parachute

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

  • Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
  • Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
  • Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
  • Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
  • Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
  • Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
  • Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
  • Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
  • Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
  • Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
  • Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
  • Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
  • Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
  • English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
  • Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
  • Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
  • Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
  • Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
  • Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
  • Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
  • Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
  • Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
  • Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
  • National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
  • Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
  • Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
  • Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
  • Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
  • Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
  • Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
  • Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
  • Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
  • Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

You Da Man Test

  • In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
    1. Lovemaking
    2. Screwing
    3. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

  • You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    1. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    2. Your blood-test results
    3. Five tequila slammers

  • You time your orgasm so that:
    1. Your partner climaxes first.
    2. You both climax simultaneously.
    3. You don't miss Match Of The Day.

  • Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    1. Healthy, creative love-play
    2. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
    3. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

  • Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    1. The best part of the experience
    2. The second best part of the experience
    3. $100 extra

  • Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    1. No concern to you
    2. Not a problem, she can join your gym
    3. A conservative estimate.

  • You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    1. A myth
    2. An oxymoron
    3. A Moron

  • Foreplay is to sex as:
    1. Appetiser is to entree
    2. Primer is to paint
    3. A long line is to an amusement park ride

  • Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    1. 'I hope we can still be friends'
    2. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
    3. 'Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.'

  • A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    1. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of Intimacy.
    2. Is uptight and a waste of time
    3. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS:

  • If you answered '1' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man!!
  • If you answered '2' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
  • If you answered '3' more than 7 times, 'YOU DA MAN!'

Because we are MEN

  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
  • If you stay at home and do the housework you are a PANSIE.
  • If you work too hard there is NEVER ANY TIME FOR HER AND THE KIDS.
  • If you don't work hard enough, you are a GOOD FOR NOTHING LAYABOUT.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay that is EXPLOITATION.
  • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND FIND SOMETHING BETTER.
  • If a man gets a promotion ahead of a woman, that is FAVOURITISM.
  • If a woman gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is EQUAL OPPORTUNITY.
  • If we mention how nice she looks, that is SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
  • If we keep quiet, that is TYPICAL MALE INDIFFERANCE.
  • If we cry, we're SHEILIAS.
  • If we don't, we're INSENSITIVE BASTARDS.
  • If a man thumps a women, that is WIFE BASHING.
  • If they thump us, that is SELF DEFENCE.
  • If we make a decision without her, we're a CHAUVINIST.
  • If she makes a decision without us, she is a LIBERATED WOMAN.
  • If we ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is DOMINATION.
  • If she asks us, its a FAVOUR.
  • If we appreciate the female in frilly underwear, we're SEXUAL PERVERTS.
  • If we don't notice, we're POOFTERS.
  • If we like a woman to keep in shape, we're SEXISTS.
  • If we don't care, then we're UNROMANTIC.
  • If we try to keep ourselves in shape, that is VANITY.
  • If we don't, we're SLOBS.
  • If we buy her flowers, we are AFTER SOMETHING.
  • If we don't, we're FORGETFUL.
  • If we are proud of our achievments, we're UP OURSELVES.
  • If we aren't, we're NOT AMBITIOUS.
  • If we ask for a cuddle, we NEVER THINK OF ANYTHING BUT SEX.
  • If we're totally wrecked after a bad day at work, we NEVER GIVE A STUFF ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES NEEDS.
  • If she has a headache, it means SHE IS TIRED.
  • If we have a headache, it means WE DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE.
  • If we want it too often, we're OVER SEXED.
  • If we don't, THERE MUST BE SOMEONE ELSE.

New concise Oxford slang

  • Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
  • Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
  • Back End of the Batmobile: The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry. "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Batmobile."
  • Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.
  • Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
  • Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
  • BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
  • Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
  • Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
  • Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
  • Budgie's Tongue or Small Man In A Boat or Tongue Punchbag: The female erection.
  • BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
  • Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
  • Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
  • Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
  • Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
  • Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
  • Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
  • Fizzy Gravy or Rusty Water: Diarrhoea.
  • Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
  • Free the Tadpoles: Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
  • Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
  • FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
  • Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
  • Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
  • Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.
  • Hefty Cleft or Horse's Collar or Welly Top: Description of a very large vagina.
  • McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
  • Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
  • Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
  • Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
  • Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
  • NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
  • Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
  • Sperm Wail or Spuphemism: A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
  • Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut: A homosexual.
  • 10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
  • 2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
  • Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.
  • Todger Dodger: A lesbian.
  • Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
  • X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
  • Bo! Bo!!! Come back with that! ...bad dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  • Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie...
  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  • Augh, there go the lights again...
  • "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
  • "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
  • What's this doing here?
  • I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
  • That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
  • I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  • Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  • Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
  • Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  • And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape...
  • OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
  • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  • What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  • She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
  • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
  • Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Things to do to liven up a lift journey

  1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
  2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
  4. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  5. Miaow occasionally.
  6. Stare at another passenger for a while then announce in horror "You're one of them," and back away slowly.
  7. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
  9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce "I have new socks on."
  11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
  12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
  13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers "This is my personal space."
  14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
  15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  16. Ask if you can push buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
  18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream "That's mine!"
  19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with passengers.
  21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
  22. Call out "Group Hug!" then enforce it!
  23. Drop a massive, loud, ripper of a fart. It doesn't matter how old you get, it's always hilarious!!!

VIZ Top Tips

  • Weight Watchers. Avoid the devilish temptation to nibble at that chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  • Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then placing it back in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking the rest of them.
  • Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
  • Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
  • If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  • Housewives: When nipping down the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
  • Make bath time as much fun for kiddies as a trip to the sea side by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
  • Recreate the fun of a trip to the swimming pool in the comfort of your own home, by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, & urinating into it before jumping in.
  • Girls: Too old or young to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke that looks at you over the fence.
  • Girls: An empty Aluminium cigar tube, filled with angry wasps, makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  • Lads: Don't waste money on expensive ribbed condoms to give your girlfriend that extra sensation. Simply use an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside before you put it on.
  • X-files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of Vodka. You'll inevitably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
  • Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by simply covering any cuts with strips of bacon.
  • Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.
  • Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
  • Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking in the direction of the oncoming traffic.
  • When crossing a one way street always look both ways, in case a large blue furniture removal van is reversing the wrong way up the road.
  • Anorexics: When your knees become fatter than your legs, it's time to start eating cakes again.
  • Hijackers: Avoid a long stressful siege, the risk of arrest or even death, by simply booking the flight to the right destination in the first place.
  • Deter Goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.
  • Parents: Ensure kids always wear rubber safety shoes. This will avoid them being virtually incinerated on the spot when flying kites nearoverhead power cables.
  • Olympic Athletes: Disguise the fact that you are taking performance enhancing drugs by simply running that bit slower.
  • Sweetcorn Fans: Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
  • Pretend you're a giant Panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo, and refusing to have sex with the missus.
  • Manchester United Fans: Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm instead.
  • Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink instead.
  • Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice piece of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't notice any difference.
  • Invited by vegetarians to dinner? Since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
  • Spice up your sex life 'rodeo style', by taking you missus from behind, holding on tightly to her jugs and calling her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
  • Drivers: Pressing the headlight switch a second time dips the fuckers.
  • HGV Drivers: When climbing a long hill at 20mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

Observations

  • "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships" (Sharon Stone)
  • "My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading" (Steve Jobs)
  • "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps" (Tiger Woods)
  • "Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"" (Patricia Arquette)
  • "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master" (Rev. Jesse Jackson)
  • "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" (Jack Nicholson)
  • "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is" (Barbara Bush)
  • "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" (Robin Williams)
  • "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time" (Robin Williams)
  • "Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" (Roseanne)
  • "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" (Billy Crystal)
  • "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful" (Robert De Niro)
  • "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)
  • "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)
  • "When the sun comes up, I have morals again" (Elizabeth Taylor)
  • "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house" (Rod Stewart)

Definition of marketing

For years I struggled with explaining to friends and family exactly what the difference is between the various types of marketing. The perfect illustration...

  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
    "I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Direct Marketing.

  • You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
    "He's fantastic in bed."
    That's Advertising.

  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
    "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Telemarketing.

  • You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
    "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Public Relations.

  • You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
    "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
    That's Brand Recognition.

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

  • BLAMESTORMING
    Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • SEAGULL MANAGER
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
  • CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
    An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  • CUBE FARM
    An office filled with cubicles.
  • MOUSE POTATO
    The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
  • PRAIRIE DOGGING
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
  • SITCOM
    (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
  • STARTER MARRIAGE
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
  • STRESS PUPPY
    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  • SWIPED OUT
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  • TOURISTS
    People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
  • TREEWARE
    Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
  • XEROX SUBSIDY
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
  • CHIPS & SALSA
    Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
  • PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
    The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)
  • SALMON DAY
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
  • CLM
    (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
  • ADMINISPHERE
    The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
  • DILBERTED
    To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
  • 404
    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
  8. Don't use any punctuation marks.
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
  12. Sing along at the opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
  17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!"
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Dating

  • When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
  • When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
  • In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
  • When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
  • When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
  • When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
  • Now I'm 40 and I am looking for a girl with really big tits.

Daddy's ten rules of dating

  1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
  2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
  3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
  4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
  5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
  6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
  7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
  8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
  9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
  10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

FBI top 12 deaths of the year

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

  1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
  2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
  3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
  4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
  5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
  6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
  7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
  8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
  9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 KGs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.)
  10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
  11. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
  12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Difficult words to say when you are drunk

  • Specificity
  • Indubitably
  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation
  • Cinnamon

Impossible words to say when you are drunk

  • Thanks, but I don't want sex.
  • No, I don't want another drink.
  • No kebab for me thank you.
  • Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
  • Good evening officer.
  • I'm not interested in fighting you.
  • No one wants to hear me sing.

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies

  • Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
  • One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
  • Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
  • It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
  • If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  • A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Recently discovered computer viruses

  • The AL GORE Virus
    (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
  • The CLINTON Virus
    (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
  • The BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus
    (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
  • The LEWINSKY virus
    (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
  • The RONALD REAGAN virus
    (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
  • The MIKE TYSON virus
    (Quits after two bytes)
  • The JACK KEVORKIAN virus
    (Deletes all old files)
  • The ELLEN DEGENERES virus
    (Disks can no longer be inserted)
  • The PROZAC virus
    (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
  • The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus
    (Only attacks minor files)
  • The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
    (Terminates some files and leaves, but will be back)
  • The LORENA BOBBITT virus
    (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Ever wonder...

  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do a "practice"?
  • Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I only have SEX on days that begin with T

  • Thanksgiving
  • Tuesday
  • Thursday
  • Today
  • Tomorrow
  • Thaturday
  • Thunday?
  • Every Thucking day!

Sex is...

  • like Nokia (connecting people)
  • like Nike (Just do it)
  • like Pepsi (ask for more)
  • like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
  • like me (too good to be true)

5 secrets to a fullfilling life for you loverboyz

  1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
  2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
  4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
  5. It is important that these four women never meet...

Five Stages of Drunkenness

  • Stage 1 - SMART
    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
  • Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
    This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
  • Stage 3 - RICH
    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
  • Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
  • Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
    This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.

Five Stages of Hangovers

  • Stage 1 - STUPID
    As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the neumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add tipple most consumed night before). two-step, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.
  • Stage 2 - UGLY
    Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over-night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.
  • Stage 3 - POOR
    Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a 20/50? note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
  • Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS
    As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
  • Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK
    Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.

Mystery about mistake

  • If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
  • If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
  • If a doctor makes a mistake, it's an operation...
  • If a engineer makes a mistake, it is a new venture...
  • If parents makes a mistake, it is a new generation...
  • If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
  • If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
  • If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
  • If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...
  • If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...
  • If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE"

Newest Masturbate for Peace Bumper Stickers

  • Rub your snake for peace's sake
  • War's for squares, play downstairs
  • Touch Your sack, not Iraq
  • Stop war now, milk your cow
  • When you jerk tonight, keep peace in sight.
  • Don't attack - play with Jack
  • Get peace fever, rub your beaver!
  • My pussy doesn't meow, it roars -- for peace.
  • Give your Bush the finger!
  • For peace to work, you need to jerk
  • War is heinous, thumb your anus
  • War is Mean, Flick Your Bean
  • War is wrong, whack your schlong.
  • I'm going blind for Mankind
  • War is silly, whack your willy

85 Rules and instructions on being a MAN

  1. Don't call. EVER.
  2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
  9. Lie.
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everything. Everything.
  21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
  22. Don't have a clue.
  23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  24. No means yes.
  25. Yes means no.
  26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
  27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
  28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
  29. Feelings? What feelings?
  30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
  31. Lie I tell you!!
  32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
  33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
  34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
  35. Lie.
  36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
  37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
  38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
  39. Lie.
  40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
  41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
  43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
  46. Lie.
  47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
  50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
  51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
  52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
  53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
  54. Don't ever notice anything.
  55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
  56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
  57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
  58. Lie.
  59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
  61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
  62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
  63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
  64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
  65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
  66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
  67. Lie.
  68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
  69. 69
  70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
  71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
  72. Lie.
  73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
  74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
  75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
  76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
  77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
  78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
  79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
  80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
  81. Beer. Then more beer.
  82. One word: FOOTBALL!
  83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
  84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
  85. LIE.

The rules and instructions on being a WOMAN

  1. The Female always makes the Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows the Rules, she must immediately change some of the Rules.
  5. The Female is never wrong.
  6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male said or did.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

Top Things PMS Stands For

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Pack My Stuff
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid Section
  5. People Make Me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface

Why a motorcycle is better than a woman?

  1. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
  2. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
  3. Motorcycles last longer.
  4. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
  5. Motorcycles don't have parents.
  6. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  7. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
  8. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
  9. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
  10. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
  11. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
  12. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
  13. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
  14. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
  15. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
  16. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
  17. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
  18. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
  19. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
  20. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
  21. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
  22. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
  23. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
  24. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
  25. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
  26. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
  27. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
  28. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
  29. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
  30. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
  31. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
  32. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
  33. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
  34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
  35. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
  36. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
  37. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over

  1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
  2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
  3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
  4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
  5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
  6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
  7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
  8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
  9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
  10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Things never to say to a MAN

  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it's cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don't we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It's more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a nightcrawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
  13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Ever hear of Clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn't know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won't take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it's hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
  58. Nevermind, why bother.

25 reasons why HOCKEY is better than SEX

  1. It's ok to bleed during play.
  2. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.
  3. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
  4. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
  5. You can still play when you get married.
  6. You can change on the fly.
  7. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
  8. If you can't get it up, who cares?
  9. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.
  10. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!
  11. It is broadcast live on TV.
  12. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.
  13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!
  14. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!
  15. You always know how big the stick is.
  16. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
  17. The puck is always hard.
  18. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
  19. It lasts a full hour.
  20. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
  21. Your parents cheer when you score.
  22. Periods only last 20 minutes.
  23. You can count on it at least twice a week, 4 times a night.
  24. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
  25. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages car pooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the Lux-cantine food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Signs that you are bored at work!

  • You're reading THIS aren't you?
  • You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
  • People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
  • You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
  • The 4th Division of Paper clips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
  • You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
  • No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

Signs that you are too drunk

  • You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  • You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  • Job interfering with your drinking.
  • Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  • Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  • The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  • Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  • Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  • You can focus better with one eye closed.
  • The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  • You fall off the floor...
  • Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  • Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  • Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
  • At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  • Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  • You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
  • The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  • You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and .
  • Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
  • Roseanne looks good.
  • Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  • That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  • Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
  • I'm as jober as a sudge.
  • The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
  • You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Promoting National Condom Week

  1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
  2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
  3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
  4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
  5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
  6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
  7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
  8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
  9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
  10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
  11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOU DICK
  12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
  13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
  14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
  15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
  16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
  17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
  18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
  19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
  20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
  21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!