:: jokes :: lists

Twenty Responses to Use When plagued with calls from Telemarketers

  1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
  3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
  5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
  6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
  8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
  9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
  11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
  12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" Hang up.
  13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
  16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
  17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
  18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...
  20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Office Dares

  1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
  3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise Office Dares your voice).
  4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
  5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

  1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
  4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
  5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
  7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
  8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
  9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
  12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
  13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
  18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Symptoms of being over 25

  1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
  2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
  3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
  4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
  5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
  6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
  7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
  8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
  9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
  10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
  11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
  12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
  13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
  14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
  15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
  16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
  17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
  18. You always have enough milk in.
  19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
  20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
  21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
  22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B & Q.
  23. You wish you had a shed.
  24. You have a shed.
  25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day..."
  26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.
  27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
  28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
  29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
  30. If you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in...
  31. You find yourself saying "Is it cold in here or is it just me?"

You know you're an ENGINEER when...

The World's best pickup lines

More pickup lines

Blow Job Etiquette

Female Point of View
  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extention to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extention to rule #3 - No, I don't have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extention to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you are, it is NEVER okay to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week" - get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit so, no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
  9. Extention to rule #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked with highschool girls, but if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
  10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me that I have just "wrecked it" for you.
  11. Leaving me alone in bed while you go play video games is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably not best to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we are good at it. (See rule #2 about gratitude.)
  13. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
  14. No, it does not particularly taste good, and I don't care about the protein content.
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
  16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean that I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal
  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier, who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful that I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
  6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
  7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in the flavor country.
  8. At least there is no danger of my dick bleeding in your mouth.
  9. Play with the balls.
  10. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
  11. Carress the ass too. We like that.
  12. Complain now about it being "wide awake" in the morning, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it will be "sound asleep".
  13. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Top 25 reasons why guys masturbate

  1. To stop the voices.
  2. Because the director feels it enhances the scene and further develops my character.
  3. Because mom's too tired to give me a handjob.
  4. To scare the person next to me on the plane.
  5. Because that is what Mistress Zarri desires and therefore demands.
  6. It doesn't reach my mouth.
  7. It can add a whole new dimension to making shadow puppets.
  8. If I don't, I have a habit of playing with my shit.
  9. Your mom gets off by watching me.
  10. Unfortunately, so does your dad.
  11. Pimples.
  12. It doesn't cost anything and I usually get a prize.
  13. I've always found gloryholes to be too impersonal.
  14. To make my goldfish jealous. Try it.
  15. To passively protest the Magna Carta.
  16. I look cool in front of the mirror when I'm doing it.
  17. I don't like the taste of postage stamps.
  18. I certainly wouldn't make love to a corpse, that would be demented.
  19. I like to pretend that I'm putting gel in my Barbie's hair.
  20. Regis and Kathie Lee.
  21. It makes my balls laugh.
  22. For the taste.
  23. So I can last longer during those once in a blue moon encounters I'm always having with ape-like girls.
  24. Because I'm too big to fit in the crib.
  25. Nothing better to do

Fitness Philosophy

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

  1. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.
  2. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.
  3. Ice floating in toilet water.
  4. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
  5. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.
  6. You can never find the leftovers.
  7. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.
  8. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
  9. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".
  10. Your apartment keys no longer work.

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
  2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  4. Her tits are just too big.
  5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
  6. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
  7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
  8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
  9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Computers in the movies

Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies.

Ten things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars

  1. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
  2. The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  3. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  4. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  5. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  7. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  8. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  9. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  10. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

Top Ten Signs You're An Internet Geek

  1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
  2. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
  3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
  4. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
  5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
  6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
  7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
  8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
  9. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
  10. Two words: "Pizza's here."

Lincoln vs Kennedy

Here are some interesting facts about the two well-known presidents of the United States of America:

The Shit List

The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

  1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  6. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  7. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the next morning.

Warning labels that should be on beer

  1. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
  6. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
  8. The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
  9. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  13. The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Cat Wisdom

Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

Signs that you are bored at work!

Top 10 Aphorisms

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
  5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  6. There are two types of pedestrian, the quick and the dead.
  7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  10. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

  1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day; tomorrow is not looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
  8. My reality check bounced.
  9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Things guys think girls should know

Say it with words

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents

Things that took me 50 years to learn

Ski Season Tips

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

Girlfriend Catalogue

How to talk and be PC


  1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN OF THE UK.
  5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.


  1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
  9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Kids say...

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

Follow instructions

The following statements are taken from product labels !!!

Differences between bosses and employees


You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

You Da Man Test


Because we are MEN

New concise Oxford slang

VIZ Top Tips

Things to do to liven up a lift journey

  1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
  2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
  4. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  5. Miaow occasionally.
  6. Stare at another passenger for a while then announce in horror "You're one of them," and back away slowly.
  7. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
  9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce "I have new socks on."
  11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
  12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
  13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers "This is my personal space."
  14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
  15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  16. Ask if you can push buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
  18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream "That's mine!"
  19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with passengers.
  21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
  22. Call out "Group Hug!" then enforce it!
  23. Drop a massive, loud, ripper of a fart. It doesn't matter how old you get, it's always hilarious!!!


Definition of marketing

For years I struggled with explaining to friends and family exactly what the difference is between the various types of marketing. The perfect illustration...


Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
  8. Don't use any punctuation marks.
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".
  12. Sing along at the opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
  17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!"
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Daddy's ten rules of dating

  1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
  2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
  3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
  4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
  5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
  6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
  7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
  8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
  9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
  10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

FBI top 12 deaths of the year

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

  1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
  2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
  3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
  4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
  5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
  6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
  7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
  8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
  9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 KGs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.)
  10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
  11. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
  12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Difficult words to say when you are drunk

Impossible words to say when you are drunk

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies

Recently discovered computer viruses

Ever wonder...

I only have SEX on days that begin with T

Sex is...

5 secrets to a fullfilling life for you loverboyz

  1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
  2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
  4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
  5. It is important that these four women never meet...

Five Stages of Drunkenness

Five Stages of Hangovers

Mystery about mistake

Newest Masturbate for Peace Bumper Stickers

85 Rules and instructions on being a MAN

  1. Don't call. EVER.
  2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
  9. Lie.
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everything. Everything.
  21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
  22. Don't have a clue.
  23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  24. No means yes.
  25. Yes means no.
  26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
  27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
  28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
  29. Feelings? What feelings?
  30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
  31. Lie I tell you!!
  32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
  33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
  34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
  35. Lie.
  36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
  37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
  38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
  39. Lie.
  40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
  41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
  43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
  46. Lie.
  47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
  50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
  51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
  52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
  53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
  54. Don't ever notice anything.
  55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
  56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
  57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
  58. Lie.
  59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
  61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
  62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
  63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
  64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
  65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
  66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
  67. Lie.
  68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
  69. 69
  70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
  71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
  72. Lie.
  73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
  74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
  75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
  76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
  77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
  78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
  79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
  80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
  81. Beer. Then more beer.
  82. One word: FOOTBALL!
  83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
  84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
  85. LIE.

The rules and instructions on being a WOMAN

  1. The Female always makes the Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows the Rules, she must immediately change some of the Rules.
  5. The Female is never wrong.
  6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male said or did.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

Top Things PMS Stands For

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Pack My Stuff
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid Section
  5. People Make Me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface

25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages car pooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the Lux-cantine food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Why a motorcycle is better than a woman?

  1. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
  2. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
  3. Motorcycles last longer.
  4. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
  5. Motorcycles don't have parents.
  6. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  7. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
  8. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
  9. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
  10. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
  11. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
  12. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
  13. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
  14. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
  15. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
  16. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
  17. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
  18. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
  19. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
  20. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
  21. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
  22. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
  23. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
  24. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
  25. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
  26. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
  27. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
  28. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
  29. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
  30. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
  31. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
  32. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
  33. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
  34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
  35. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
  36. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
  37. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over

  1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
  2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
  3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
  4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
  5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
  6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
  7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
  8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
  9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
  10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Things never to say to a MAN

  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it's cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don't we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It's more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a nightcrawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
  13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Ever hear of Clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn't know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won't take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it's hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
  58. Nevermind, why bother.

25 reasons why HOCKEY is better than SEX

  1. It's ok to bleed during play.
  2. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.
  3. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
  4. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
  5. You can still play when you get married.
  6. You can change on the fly.
  7. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
  8. If you can't get it up, who cares?
  9. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.
  10. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!
  11. It is broadcast live on TV.
  12. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.
  13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!
  14. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!
  15. You always know how big the stick is.
  16. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
  17. The puck is always hard.
  18. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
  19. It lasts a full hour.
  20. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
  21. Your parents cheer when you score.
  22. Periods only last 20 minutes.
  23. You can count on it at least twice a week, 4 times a night.
  24. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
  25. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

Signs that you are too drunk

Promoting National Condom Week