Some facts about Finland
FINLAND - the land of booze and polar bears
It can't have escaped anyone's notice that the net is crawling with Finns. Despite the fact that their total population is laughably small, at any given time around 60% of people online anywhere turn out to be Finnish. Even if you seek refuge on forums entirely dedicated to ancient mongolian skin complaints, at some point a Janni or Tommi or Aaasol will show up and be irritatingly chirpy.
Sinister, isn't it? Fortunately my army of gimp researchers are on the case and are now ready to reveal the TRUTH about evil, evil Finland. Here we go...
- The Winter War. What the hell happened there? When Joe Stalin's T-34's rolled into central Europe the Wehrmacht and Waffen-SS screamed like girls and ran away. However all it took was a few dozen of Santa's little helpers lobbing snowballs and the Russkis bottled out in Finland. What really happened? Is the truth too horrible to reveal.
- Linux. Open-source coding meant that the entire structure of Western capitalism was under threat. Fortunately all that happened was that a few dozen ubergeeks experienced immediate and uncontrollable climax while the rest of the world yawned and loaded up Windows. Try harder, evil Finns.
- Anyway, I've heard that Linus Torsvald smells of chisels.
- When Tolkien wanted to create a people who were inhuman, pointy-eared and as camp as Butlins, whose language did he base their speech on? Yup- you guessed it.
- Mobile phones. Utterly dominated by those skulking trolls between Sweden and Russia. Their phones get smaller every day- ideal for those spindly elven fingers, but damning the rest of humanity to cordless communication serfdom. Do you think you're going to get away with it?
- It's an established fact that if you want to be a great distance runner you have to come from a hot country. So where do Paavo Nurmi and Lasse Viren come in? I can now reveal that their "training" regime consisted of them having raw chillies stuffed up their bums and having starving packs of wild dogs unleashed on them. It won them loads of gold medals but at what cost, Finland? At what cost?
- Rally driving is totally dominated by Finns. This is because Finland's national sport involves using high-powered 4-wheel drive cars to run over elks. The record is held by Hannu Mikkola who successfully ran over 24 inside 2 minutes. He would have got more but his wheels got jammed by bits of snapped-off antler and leg.
- Norway is famous for it's fjords. These are made by Finns who sneak across at night and steal bits of the coastline, taking it back to Finland to make small hills. At the current rate of theft, by 2500 AD Norway will be only 200 metres wide.
- Take a look at a map of Finland. Go on, take a look. Absolutely millions of lakes. That can't be right.
- It's believed that the preponderance of lakes in Finland is due to them being stolen from other countries by Finns, along with their partners in lake-crime, Canada.
- Anyway, what do you get in lakes? Abandoned shopping trollies, spindly things with chewing mouth-parts, and bodies. Add it up.
- Santa Claus. Finland has been hailed as the home of Santa Claus since the 20th century. During that time, children's toys have displayed rising levels of dead spiders, razor blades and grit.
- Finland's national dish is an elk scrotum fried in batter.
- The last Suomithreadi contained detailed instructions on how to make home-brewed Rohypnol, as well as an incantation for summoning Satan.
- Finns attract sharks. I have no figures to back this up.
- Derby County FC. The reason for Georgi Kinkladze's recent poor form is that, in their last match agaist Liverpool, he was beaten to death with his own leg while the referee's back was turned. The culprit was Sami Hyppia. A Finn.
- Where's ottok? What have you done with him?
- If all the world's Finns were laid end to end they'd cause a really nasty traffic jam.