Blow Job Etiquette

Female Point of View

  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extention to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extention to rule #3 - No, I don't have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extention to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you are, it is NEVER okay to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week" - get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit so, no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
  9. Extention to rule #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked with highschool girls, but if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
  10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me that I have just "wrecked it" for you.
  11. Leaving me alone in bed while you go play video games is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably not best to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we are good at it. (See rule #2 about gratitude.)
  13. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
  14. No, it does not particularly taste good, and I don't care about the protein content.
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
  16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean that I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier, who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful that I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
  6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
  7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in the flavor country.
  8. At least there is no danger of my dick bleeding in your mouth.
  9. Play with the balls.
  10. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
  11. Carress the ass too. We like that.
  12. Complain now about it being "wide awake" in the morning, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it will be "sound asleep".
  13. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?