Five Stages of Hangovers

  • Stage 1 - STUPID
    As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the neumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add tipple most consumed night before). two-step, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.
  • Stage 2 - UGLY
    Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over-night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.
  • Stage 3 - POOR
    Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a 20/50? note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
  • Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS
    As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
  • Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK
    Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.