Weight Watchers. Avoid the devilish temptation to nibble at that chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then placing it back in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking the rest of them.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Housewives: When nipping down the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make bath time as much fun for kiddies as a trip to the sea side by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a trip to the swimming pool in the comfort of your own home, by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, & urinating into it before jumping in.
Girls: Too old or young to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke that looks at you over the fence.
Girls: An empty Aluminium cigar tube, filled with angry wasps, makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Lads: Don't waste money on expensive ribbed condoms to give your girlfriend that extra sensation. Simply use an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside before you put it on.
X-files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of Vodka. You'll inevitably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by simply covering any cuts with strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking in the direction of the oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one way street always look both ways, in case a large blue furniture removal van is reversing the wrong way up the road.
Anorexics: When your knees become fatter than your legs, it's time to start eating cakes again.
Hijackers: Avoid a long stressful siege, the risk of arrest or even death, by simply booking the flight to the right destination in the first place.
Deter Goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.
Parents: Ensure kids always wear rubber safety shoes. This will avoid them being virtually incinerated on the spot when flying kites nearoverhead power cables.
Olympic Athletes: Disguise the fact that you are taking performance enhancing drugs by simply running that bit slower.
Sweetcorn Fans: Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you're a giant Panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo, and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United Fans: Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm instead.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink instead.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice piece of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't notice any difference.
Invited by vegetarians to dinner? Since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life 'rodeo style', by taking you missus from behind, holding on tightly to her jugs and calling her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Drivers: Pressing the headlight switch a second time dips the fuckers.
HGV Drivers: When climbing a long hill at 20mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.