WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 56.3kg but can vary from 40kg to 150kg
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common'ore. Yelds to pressure if applied to correct point.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. Insoluble in liquids, but greatly increases by saturation in alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES: Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent.

TEST: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARDS: Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands, illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.