Religious story

A new priest at first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass. If I get nervous I take a sip" So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy-o, Laddy-o and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey; don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest a St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.