A new priest at first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass. If I get nervous I take a sip" So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy-o, Laddy-o and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey; don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
- The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest a St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.