Jokes » Men vs Women

Pregnancy and Women

Pregnancy questions and answers:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

PRISON vs WORK

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home" call from a friend after a snowy drive home.

Women have special qualities about them. They volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They stick a love note in their lover's lunch box. They do without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. She can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.

And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.



MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

The Differences Between Women and Men

It can be difficult to believe that women and men could be so different, not just on the physical level. I have never professed to being a master of understanding the female mind, at least when I'm sober anyway, but along the way you pick up a few thoughts and realise a few things about them that makes them tick differently to men. So benefit from my knowledge, and maybe even use it to your advantage as I expose the non-obvious differences between women and men.

A MAN's answers to every question a WOMAN ever asks

  1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
    It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the griping and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

  2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
    Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

  3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
    We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra: Being in public is just an added bonus.

  4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
    We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

  5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
    You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

  6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
    Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

  7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
    Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

  8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
    Please ... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

  9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING
    Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

  10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
    Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

  11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
    Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to ... well you know. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

  12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
    We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

  13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
    Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

  14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
    This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

  15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
    It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?

Impressing MEN & WOMEN

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis

SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Man
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 56.3kg but can vary from 40kg to 150kg
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common'ore. Yelds to pressure if applied to correct point.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. Insoluble in liquids, but greatly increases by saturation in alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES: Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent.

TEST: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARDS: Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands, illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

They Never listen

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:

WW
WA
PP
ATR


Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said and let his curiousity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button.

Immediately, body-temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Ah-hah," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great, "he thought as he reached out for the ATR button..."

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Tech Support on Wife 1.0

Dear IT Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no helpfiles and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2001, but there could be problems: a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2001 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please can you help me.
Joe





Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "utilities & entertainment" program. Wife1.0 is an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 1.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 1.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing would be gained.

It is impossible for you to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Mistress 2001 is a possibility but your friend is right about the effect this has on your MS Money files. The temptation after that is to install Girlfriend 1.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system - (look in your manual under "warnings - alimony/child support"). I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for every fault and problem that might occur, regardless of its cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command c:apologise.

In any case, avoid excessive use of the "esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the apologise command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0, but do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
IT Help Desk

She said / He said

Her side of the story

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been my fault, because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow-going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate, so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the Hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint watching TV, while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then, after about ten minutes, he joined me in bed. We had some great foreplay, and then we had sex.

I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared such an intimate experience, but he still seemed really distracted. This upset me so much that I just wanted to leave, but instead, I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was!

I don't know; I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???



His side of the story

Played badly today. Shot 83. Can't putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid, though.

21st century man!

Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality,feminism and a host of other bo*****s.

No more!

The man fights back!!

Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead...

Long Live The man of 21st century!

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is...

THESE ARE THE NEW RULES!

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = Football. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.

Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.

Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,would look good with that particular dress?

'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.

It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.

When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.

A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman cAn co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.

The ball's in your court.

Long Live The man of 21st century!

Please don't start a hate campaign against me or start camping outside my manor, and please don't be Offended as I'm purely voicing the opinions of all the men on this planet.

I Will Survive

Below are the new lyrics to 'I WILL SURVIVE'



THE MALE VERSION

At first I was afraid I was petrified
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door,
But you've been sitting on my legs and I
Can't feel them anymore,
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose
Has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers are not
Made of liquorice lace

I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes
me want to heave
I Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut
Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're
Half cut.

I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that
We call beer
You can all sod your beer goggles, shit I must
Have been blind
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water

It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting that she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.

I WILL SURVIVE!




To which the girls reply...



THE FEMALE VERSION

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I fell on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out
disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your
F**king ugly face...!

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Sprits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, hell, you
Looked just like Richard Gere!

I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or should be
Simply bound and gagged.
I'm f**king off right now, I'm jumping on the
Flippin' train
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed
Your greebies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
A bloody ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at
least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm gonna
Have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside you makes me
Want to be a nun!

I WILL SURVIVE!

Girl's and Boy's Prayers

A Girl's Prayer
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.



A Boy's Prayer
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.
Amen

Ten things that men know about women

  1.  
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  9.  
  10. They have tits.

This is for men tired of receiving male bashing jokes

For the Guys

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty quid.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that dressing gown.

Things Men & Women need to know about style

At least one of these will apply to someone you know...

Things Men need To Know About Style:

  1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie.
  2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a vicar.
  3. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable. Ironing them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind.
  4. Cowboy boots - NO!!!
  5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
  6. Going bald? - shave it off for God's sake.
  7. Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won Wimbledon.
  8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild side of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you or you wish she did.
  9. Socks and sandals - lovely on Germans.
  10. A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder regrets the 70s.
  11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers...
  12. as are medallions...
  13. ...and tracksuit tops and bottoms.
  14. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet?? Habitat helpline 0845 601 0740
  15. Open shirts: one button open = professional; two buttons = casual; three = oversharing.
  16. Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat, and are a member of N'Sync. OK!
  17. Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = tosser.
  18. Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real. And Angelina is:
    1. an actress and
    2. married.
  19. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Man Utd kit? Please seek professional help.
  20. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and "ice" ring in the window of H. Samuel where it can live a long and happy life doing no-one any harm...
  21. You'll NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone pocket of your combats.
  22. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's not going to do it for you.
  23. Chinos - fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it.



Things Women need To Know About Style:

  1. Show more cleavage.
  2. Wear shorter skirts.

Simply put...

...Women speak in estrogen and men listen in testosterone
Matt Groening

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged!!

RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Differences between men's and women's English

Women's English



Men's English

Words Women Use

The following are definitions for words women use when replying to their man...

"FINE"
This is the wordomen use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"NOTHING"
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an oncoming argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You Will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and then she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement."Soft Sighs" mean that she Is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow "GO AHEAD." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" When she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."