Jokes » Unsorted

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty for days. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're both single. Just let it go..."

And at times he would.

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave...

Dave...

Dave...

You're a Veterinarian.

New Employee Rules and Regulations

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a Strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category".

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim fast.

Mom and Dad

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and Dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother says to the younger brother. "Now, I want you to keep in mind, this is the SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST OUR ASSES FOR SUCKING OUR THUMBS!"

Fart Proof Underwear!

An inventor from Colorado has created the world's first fart-proof underwear.

Buck Weimer says his airtight knickers have a replaceable charcoal filter to remove bad gas before it escapes. The undies, called Under-Ease, are on sale over the internet.

Buck, from Pueblo, said he thought up his invention after his wife 'let go a bomb' in bed one night. Buck, 62, and Arlene, 57, suffer from Crohn's disease, an inflammatory bowel syndrome.

In both men and women's styles, the underwear, made from a soft, airtight, nylon-type fabric, is designed for people with chronic flatulence. Elastic is sewn around the waist and both legs.

The removable filter - which looks similar to the shoulder pads placed in women's clothing - is made of charcoal sandwiched between two layers of Australian sheep's wool.

Buck says the charcoal filter isn't too bulky but could capture the bad-smelling gas and allow the non-smelling gas - hydrogen and oxygen - to pass through.

It was developed from gas masks worn by coal miners, reports the Denver Post.

They come as boxer shorts for men and panties for women and sell for $24.95. Replacement filters cost about $5. They are sold with the motto: "Wear them for the ones you love."

The Weimars say flatulence is still a touchy subject for most people. Almost every sale has come via their site.

The Cat Test

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides.

It involves three simple steps. (1) place testee in empty room facing far wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door; (3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results.

  1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.
  2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about room and on testee - cat alive, still cold.
  3. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat terminated.
  4. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.
  5. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping in center of room.
  6. PSYCOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about testee's head - cat assumed terminated.
  7. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.
  8. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and still confused.
  9. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive, confused, and sexually aroused.

A blonde

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend says, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says,"From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do,I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogg's Frosted Flakes back in the box."

The Amish Elevator

An amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked: "What is that father?". The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don`t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your grandmother".

Super Granny Defender of Justice

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice,

"I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Ah, senior moments!

Sad news about beer

You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable.

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Surprise!

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a great passion for baked beans. He loved them but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that he would marry her, he thought to himself: "she'll never go for me, carrying on like that", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans!

Shortly after that they got married.

A few months later on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk home, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. Before leaving he had three extra large helpings of baked beans. So there he was: farting his way home. By the time he arrived at his house, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed:"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, led him to a chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiippppp', it sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He again shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear turned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes.... farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife hang up, he neatly lay his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled: "Surprise!"

And to his shock and horror there were twelve dinnerguests seated around the table for his surprise birthday-party!

Good Business Sense

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Dear John letter

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while he was stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his colleagues over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Now that's a Dear John letter...

God Save The Queen

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
  2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
  3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
  5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
  6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
  7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
  8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
  10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

A beautiful dream

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to our wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't fuck with them.

Sad but funny

A young man had been seriously dating three lovely girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled he original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses, and after giving long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."

Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Taxi!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail... The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.<br /><br />One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.<br /><br />The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the F!#@ing hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

For anyone surrounded by IT Staff all day

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"

A Meaning For Life

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

Which proves:

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