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Twenty Responses to Use When plagued with calls from Telemarketers

  1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
  3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
  5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
  6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
  8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
  9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
  11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
  12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" Hang up.
  13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
  16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
  17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
  18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...
  20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Office Dares

Dares
  1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
  3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise Office Dares your voice).
  4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
  5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.



Double-dares
  1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
  4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
  5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
  7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
  8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
  9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
  12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
  13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
  18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Symptoms of being over 25

  1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
  2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
  3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
  4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
  5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
  6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
  7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
  8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
  9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
  10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
  11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
  12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
  13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
  14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
  15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
  16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
  17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
  18. You always have enough milk in.
  19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
  20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
  21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
  22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B & Q.
  23. You wish you had a shed.
  24. You have a shed.
  25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day..."
  26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.
  27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
  28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
  29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
  30. If you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in...
  31. You find yourself saying "Is it cold in here or is it just me?"

You know you're an ENGINEER when...

The World's best pickup lines

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Blow Job Etiquette

Female Point of View
  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extention to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extention to rule #3 - No, I don't have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extention to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you are, it is NEVER okay to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week" - get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit so, no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
  9. Extention to rule #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked with highschool girls, but if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
  10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me that I have just "wrecked it" for you.
  11. Leaving me alone in bed while you go play video games is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably not best to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we are good at it. (See rule #2 about gratitude.)
  13. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
  14. No, it does not particularly taste good, and I don't care about the protein content.
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
  16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean that I have to "kiss it good morning".



A Man's Rebuttal
  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier, who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful that I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
  6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
  7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in the flavor country.
  8. At least there is no danger of my dick bleeding in your mouth.
  9. Play with the balls.
  10. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
  11. Carress the ass too. We like that.
  12. Complain now about it being "wide awake" in the morning, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it will be "sound asleep".
  13. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Top 25 reasons why guys masturbate

  1. To stop the voices.
  2. Because the director feels it enhances the scene and further develops my character.
  3. Because mom's too tired to give me a handjob.
  4. To scare the person next to me on the plane.
  5. Because that is what Mistress Zarri desires and therefore demands.
  6. It doesn't reach my mouth.
  7. It can add a whole new dimension to making shadow puppets.
  8. If I don't, I have a habit of playing with my shit.
  9. Your mom gets off by watching me.
  10. Unfortunately, so does your dad.
  11. Pimples.
  12. It doesn't cost anything and I usually get a prize.
  13. I've always found gloryholes to be too impersonal.
  14. To make my goldfish jealous. Try it.
  15. To passively protest the Magna Carta.
  16. I look cool in front of the mirror when I'm doing it.
  17. I don't like the taste of postage stamps.
  18. I certainly wouldn't make love to a corpse, that would be demented.
  19. I like to pretend that I'm putting gel in my Barbie's hair.
  20. Regis and Kathie Lee.
  21. It makes my balls laugh.
  22. For the taste.
  23. So I can last longer during those once in a blue moon encounters I'm always having with ape-like girls.
  24. Because I'm too big to fit in the crib.
  25. Nothing better to do

Fitness Philosophy

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

  1. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.
  2. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.
  3. Ice floating in toilet water.
  4. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
  5. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.
  6. You can never find the leftovers.
  7. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.
  8. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
  9. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".
  10. Your apartment keys no longer work.

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
  2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  4. Her tits are just too big.
  5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
  6. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
  7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
  8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
  9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Computers in the movies

Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies.

Ten things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars

  1. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
  2. The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  3. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  4. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  5. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  7. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  8. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  9. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  10. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

Top Ten Signs You're An Internet Geek

  1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
  2. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
  3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
  4. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
  5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
  6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
  7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
  8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
  9. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
  10. Two words: "Pizza's here."

Lincoln vs Kennedy

Here are some interesting facts about the two well-known presidents of the United States of America:

The Shit List

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

  1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  6. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  7. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the next morning.
  10. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR

Warning labels that should be on beer

  1. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
  6. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
  8. The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
  9. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  13. The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

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