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Patient Ed

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional and in over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest "whoo-ha" the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

Well done, British Airways!

This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to,please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up and applauded.

Never say these in front of ur kids!

1st Scene...
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of their little son.
Daddy: Oh!!! You Bitch!
Mommy: What?? You Bastard!
Son: Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy: It means Ladies and Gentlemen son.
Son: Oh I see!!


2nd Scene...
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the papers.
Son: Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: It means coats and hats, son.
Son: Oh I see!!


3rd Scene...
Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by; the toilet. Suddenly daddy cut himself and scream...
Daddy: Oh SHIT!!
Son: Daddy, what's shit?
At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say..
Daddy: It means shaving cream, son.
Son: Oh I see!!


4th Scene...
Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove.The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy: Oh! Fuck!
Son: Mommy, what's fuck?
At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: It means stuffing, son
Son: Oh I see!!


5th Scene...
It's Christmas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all that is uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house. Proudly he said... "Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the moment. You see; Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs and mummy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come out in a minute!!"

Everyone fainted!

Cool...Boy

A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third standard too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first standard and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third standarder should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third standard."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry: "Pockets."

Now no reactions or special face symbols on Harry's face. He was so cool!
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "What is that a woman has two and a cow has four?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry: "Legs"

The Principal said to stop this session, but the teacher continued.
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, answer me."
Harry: "Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.
Harry: "Wedding ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Great friend

A man decided to march in the Holy Crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him: "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

James Bond

DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: "Well well well, Mr. Bond! What say we heat things up a bit?" (Turns on flamethrower)

JAMES BOND: "You're treading on thin ice, Deathman!" (Adjusts his super secret watch which not only tells time, but it also tells time in the Metric System, which has 19 megaminutes per joule)

DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: (Shoots flamethrower) "The heat is on, Mr. Bond!"

JAMES BOND: "You're cold as ice, Deathman!" (Leaps over an ice desk and lands on an ice chair which falls onto the ice carpet near the ice ice machine)

DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: (Shoots at Bond but misses and instead blows up the kitchen) "If you can't take the heat, Mr. Bond, maybe you should get out of the kitchen!"

JAMES BOND: "You're melting my heart, Deathman!" (Something somewhere explodes for no reason. A helicopter flies around outside and hits a barrel and both blow up)

DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: "This is the end of the line for you, Mr. Bond! The agency called and said you're FIRED!" (Sprays more flames everywhere; ice catches fire somehow)

JAMES BOND: "Now now now, Deathman! That wasn't playing very n-ICE!" (Missiles fly out of Bond's teeth and cause chandelier to break off and plummet to the Earth, crushing the ice piano and the ice piano playing robot Sony Aibo Man)

DEATHMAN Von FLAMETHROWER: "N-ice? Boy, that's really pushing it, isn't it?" (Entire country of Portugal catches fire)

JAMES BOND: "Pushing it? Don't mind if I do!" (Pushes Deathman off a cliff. He falls 600 million feet and gets impaled on an icicle which then explodes, causing the ice below to rupture. Lava floods above the ice and immolates Deathman, whose body explodes and shoots scorpions and poisonous ladybugs everywhere, all of which explode while stinging his remaining body parts) "Looks like you got iced."

The real reason for war in Iraq

A WARMONGER EXPLAINS WAR TO A PEACENIK
by Bill Davidson

PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?
WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of Security Council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate Security Council resolutions.
PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.
WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over New York.
PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.
WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.
PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for attacking us or our allies with such weapons.
WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorist networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.
PN: But couldn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the Eighties ourselves, didn't we?
WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early Eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry lunatic murderer.
PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic murderer?
WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.
PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador to Iraq, April Glaspie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait?
WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell its biological and chemical weapons to Al Qaida. Osama Bin Laden himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide-attack us, proving a partnership between the two.
PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill him?
WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be a partnership between Al Qaida and Saddam Hussein unless we act.
PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a secular infidel?
WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell presented a strong case against Iraq.
PN: He did?
WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Qaida poison factory in Iraq.
PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition?
WM: And a British intelligence report...
PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate student paper?
WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...
PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?
WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from inspectors...
PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix?
WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be revealed because it would compromise our security.
PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find evidence. You're missing the point.
PN: So what is the point?
WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because Resolution 1441 threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the Security Council will become an irrelevant debating society.
PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the Security Council?
WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.
PN: And what if it does rule against us?
WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade Iraq.
PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?
WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.
PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of billions of dollars.
WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.
PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.
WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its will by electing leaders to make decisions.
PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is important?
WM: Yes.
PN: But George Bush wasn't elected by voters. He was selected by the U.S. Supreme C...
WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about being a patriot. That's the bottom line.
PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not patriotic?
WM: I never said that.
PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass destruction that threaten us and our allies.
PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.
WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.
PN: You know this? How?
WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are still unaccounted for.
PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?
WM: Precisely.
PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to an unusable state over ten years.
WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.
PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, we must invade?
WM: Exactly.
PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.
WM: That's a diplomatic issue.
PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?
WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions.
PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.
WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.
PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim sentiments against us, and decrease our security?
WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.
PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we live?
WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.
PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face the consequences.
PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?
WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?
WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council?
WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security Council?
WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.
PN: In which case?
WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.
PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at all?
WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.
PN: That makes no sense.
WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that.
PN: Here... have a pretzel...

I want Nun of this...

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have aquestion to ask you but I don't want to offend you.".

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me" She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
  1. you have to be single and
  2. you must be catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K. pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, why are you crying?" she asks.

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is John and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.

Cookies

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

What does your dad do?

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Lisa and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Peter and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Daniel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject.

Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Daniel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad plays hockey for Team SWEDEN, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Nice kid

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the sh*t out of him."

The Future?

It is the year 2032, a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father: "What are the Twin Towers?"

The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"

Irony

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, 'Great weather eh?' and I thought - 'Wait a minute... no way is it great weather.'" Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm like using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said 'Hey, great weather!'"

Teenage daughters

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock!!!"

Husband

A man walked into his daughters room one day, to find her lay on the bed with a 14" dildo stuck inside her.
"what the hell are you doing" he screams.

The daughter replies - "father, you never let me go out to meet people, and I have never been with a man. This rubber cock is my husband"
"very well" said the man, and walked out of the room.

The next night the young girl walked into her fathers room to find her dad on his hands and knees with a pint in his hand and the dildo stuck up his arse.
"what the hell are you doing" she screams.
"just having a pint with the son in law" he says.

Drunken evening

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Sven and Ole

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.

"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me."
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on County Road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da voods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off all her clothes and said 'Ole take vatever you vant.'..."

"So I took da car."
"Ole, you're a smart man! Dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

Finally Time To Marry

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship:

"How do you feel about sex?" the man asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old geezer reflected on this for a few moments and then asked, "About that last part - was that one word or two?"

Gorilla

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof YOU shoot the dog!"

Shooting cans

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans!!"

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