Jokes » Computers

Hollywood operating system

  1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
  3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
    Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe.
  5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
  6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
  8. Most computers, no matter how small or old, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  9. Laptops from 1992 always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.
  10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
  12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.
  13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
    Note: What OS was it really running?
    1. "These are super computers". A CrayOS?
    2. "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can." MacOS?
    3. "Reboot. System ready. C:\" DOS?
    4. "Hey, this is Unix. I know this" Unix?
    The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.
  14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has its own built-in power supply.
  15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory "back door" all evil virus programmers put in.
  16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.
  17. All text must be at least 72 point.
  18. Word processors do not have an insert point.
  19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.
  20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries. If you cannot guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately.
  21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter which program or window is in the foreground.
  22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of approximately 500 megapixels. Any image can be infinitely magnified with no pixelization.
  23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take over a space ship without needing an account or access control.
    Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.
  24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts.
  25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter. Email over the Internet works like telegraphs.
  26. Microsoft Windows doesn't exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.
  27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled easily and quickly via the keyboard.
  28. If a robot's eyes turn red, it becomes evil.
  29. Cell phones and laptops have infinite battery life, until you need to call for help.
  30. Latency does not exist. Voice and data can be sent to Mars in real time.
  31. If all else fails, hit it. That fixes everything.
  32. If you don't have the combination to an electronic door lock, shoot it. Destruction of the lock electronics will always unlock the door.
  33. Computers with touch screen interfaces are noisy.
  34. When entering a password, it will be displayed as clear text, in a 96 point font and on a 50 inch wall mounted screen. However, everyone is really courteous, as password snooping doesn't happen.

The Creation

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
C:>Let there be light!
Enter user id.

C:>God
Enter password.

C:>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.

C:>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.

C:>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:>Create light
Done

C:>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:>Create firmament
Done

C:>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:>Create dry_land
Done

C:>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.

C:>Create sun_moon_stars
Done

C:>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:>Create fish
Done

C:>Create fowl
Done

C:>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:>Create cattle
Done

C:>Create creepy_things
Done

C:>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.

C:>Create man
Done

C:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.

C:>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.

C:>Insert breath
Done

C:>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.

C:>Create Garden.edn
Done

C:>Move man to Garden.edn
Done

C:>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:>Copy woman from man
Done

C:>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.

C:>Create desire
Done

C:>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Create freewill
Done

C:>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

C:>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Create good, evil
Done

C:>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.

C:>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

C:>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:>Break

C:>Break

C:>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

C:>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.

C:>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.

Tech Support Fun

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File', then 'New Game'."
Customer: "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Is your computer male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Hotline

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Automated Answer: Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

    (Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.

    (Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

    (Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

    (Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you cannot honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

    (Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

    (Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

A Glossary of Your PC's Messages

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:..."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait..."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist..."
It means: "... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "...Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

P on keyboard

Tech Support:
- OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer:
- I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support:
- On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:
- What do you mean?

Tech Support:
- 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:
- I'm not going to do that!

Phrases For Your "Out-of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply

Yesterday

yesterday
all those backups seemed a waste of pay.
now my database has gone away
oh I believe in yesterday.

suddenly
there's not half the files there used to be,
and there's a milestone hanging over me
the system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
what it was I could not say.
now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

yesterday
the need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay
now I believe in yesterday

Microsoft Windows source code

/*
              TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
              Project: Win95(tm)
*/

#include "stdio.h"
#include "dos.h"
#include "conio.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"

/*
 Reference:
 Internal memo #99281-95 from:
              William H. Gates III
                   to:
              Executive managers Win95(tm)-project

 William H. Gates III wrote:
 "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
 It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
 _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.

              Carry on,
                   Bill
 "
*/

#define INSTALL HARD

void main()
{
    while(!CRASHED)
    {
         display_copyright_message();
         display_bill_rules_message();
         do_nothing_loop();
         if(first_time_installation)
         {
              make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
              do_nothing_loop();
              totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
              search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
              hang_system();
         }
         write_something(anything);
         display_copyright_message();
         do_nothing_loop();
         do_some_stuff();
         if(still_not_crashed)
         {
              display_copyright_message();
              do_nothing_loop();
              basically_run_windows_3.1();
              do_nothing_loop();
              do_nothing_loop();
         }
    }

/*
 Reference:
 Internal memo #99683-95 from:
              Executive managers Win95(tm)-project
                   to:
              William H. Gates III

 Executive managers Win95(tm)-project wrote:
 "Dear Sir,
 Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
 will never execute, we decided NOT to include it in the final code.
 This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!

              Thank you for listening to us,
                   the executive managers of the
                   Chicago(tm)-project
 "
*/
/*
    if(still_not_crashed)
    {
         write_cheer();
         finished();
    }
*/
    {
         create_general_protection_fault();
    }


/*
Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
*/

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include "process.h" /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
         if (there_are_still_bugs)
              market(bugfix);
         if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
              raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
         make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);
         /*
         Standard Call, in
         lie.h
         */
         if (rumours_grow_wilder)
              make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
         if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
         {
              market_time=ripe;
              say("It will be ready in one month);
              order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
              order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
              order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
              vapourware=TRUE;
              break;
         }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
         case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
              say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
              break;
         case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
              say("Yes it will work");
              ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
              pretend(there_is_no_problem);
              break;
         case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
              say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
              inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
              inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                   "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
              inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
              get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
              break;
         case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
              say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
         register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
         when(time_is_ripe)
         {
              arrest(journalist);
              brainwash(journalist);
              when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
              {
                   order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                   release (journalist);
              }
         }
         break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
         introduction_date++; /* Delay */
         if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
              break;
         say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
         bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
         release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
         introduce(more_memory_requirements);
         if (customers_report_installation_problems)
         {
         say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
              if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
              {
                   ignore(customer);
                   order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                        bastard");
         }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
         divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
         wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
         marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
         devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
         if (boobies_start_to_hang)
              dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
         steal(their_ideas);
         accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
         hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
         wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
         buy_out(other_company);
    }
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
{
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
         say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
         ignore(customer);
         register(customer, big_Bill_book);
         /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
}