Jokes » Bush

Bush and Blair planning World War III

President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar when a fellow walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Blair sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So he walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III."

"Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Blair, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis."

Kidnapped

A man is driving his car when he's trapped in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone is knocking at his window. He lowers the window and asks:

"What's up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush! They're demanding 10 million dollars, otherwise they will soak him with gasoline and set him on fire!"

"Holy crap!" responds the man in the car.

"Yeah, I know!" the other man responds. "we're going from car to car, collecting for him."

"How much are people donating, on average?"

"Oh... about five gallons."

George W. Bush visiting a school

George W. visits a school and the kids are requested to put some questions forward: so little Joe raises his hand and says in a very "professional" tone:

Mr. President I would like to ask you three questions:

how did you win the election when the count showed that you had less votes?
why do you push so hard for the war against Iraq?
don't you think that the bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack in human history?

Before George W. can answer the bell goes off and the class goes off for the break.

After the break everybody comes back to class and little Jimmy raises his hand and says:

Mr. President I would like to ask 5 questions:

how did you win the election when the count showed that you had less votes?
why do you push so hard for the war against Iraq?
don't you thing that the bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack in human history?
how come the bell rang 20 minutes early?
where is Joe?

George W. Bush visiting another school

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr.Bush and Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Code Saddam

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA. The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton. He suggested turning it upside down...

Checkup for Bush

President BUSH went for a check up:

His British doctor said: "Mr. President, I am your doctor; I am sorry to inform you, that you have a problem in your BRAIN. Your brain has two parts, one Left and one Right. The Left Part has nothing right in it, and the Right Part has nothing left in it."

Hu's on first

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote a day after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk AND then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

George W. Bush quotes

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

White House Dinner

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner. One of the important guests walks over to them and asks what they are talking about.

"We are making up the plans for WW III", says Bush. "Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?" "We are gonna kill 14 million Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush.

The guest looks a bit confused. "One...dentist?", he asks. "Why? Why will you kill one dentist?" Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says: "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."